This is Why I Get Grey Hairs

Perhaps someone out there can settle a little debate I’ve got going on here. You see, Pte Goof will not allow me to get one of those leashes for Squirt. You know, those kid leashes so the little rascals can’t get away from you. I know, I know, some people really hate these things for various reasons. I certainly wouldn’t want to use it all the time. But there are particular situations where I think one would be just lovely. Like at the beach. I could plunk down close to the water, give him enough leash that he can just get to the edge of the water, and then I could actually relax on the beach rather than spend the entire time corralling Squirt. I’d still be right there, pretty much within arm’s reach, hearing and seeing and supervising, but I could actually sit down. I’d still get up and play with him all the fun games we play together at the beach, but I’d be able to take 10 or 15 minutes to sit and enjoy watching him without him taking off on me. This is just one example of when I think a leash would just make my time so much more enjoyable.

Now. Pte Goof on the other hand. Well, no son of his is going to wear some leash like a tied up animal. I know that quite a few people feel this way. No amount of “But I want to be able to enjoy myself” or “You’re away so often [like all last year until Sept], it gets so tiring to always be the one chasing him” or “It’s not like I’d use it all the time, or that I’d ignore him when I do” will sway him.

But, there is one huge but here. But, he has absolutely no problem making. our. son. dance. for. treats. just. like. his. mom’s. stupid. dog. And I mean just the same. He uses things like grapes and holds them over Squirt’s head and tells him to dance for it. Now how on Earth can he possibly say I’m the one who wants to treat our son like an animal? Not only that, but when I pointed out how that was treating him like an animal, which is exactly why I was forbidden to get a leash, he refused to stop doing it.

Common, someone’s got to agree with me that if Goof can do something so degrading to the poor boy I should be able to buy a little sanity with a leash…?

Lines

I just peed on a stick. I don’t know which outcome I want more. We weren’t trying yet… just waiting to see how many lines.

Confession

So I totally have a confession to make.

Squirt it still on the bottle.

He’s over 18 months now, and he still gets a bottle at nap time and another at bed time (and if I’m being totally honest, I still bring one with me to any event so I can give it to him if he just won’t shut up in a crowd! I know, lazy mothering or what?). Everything else is always in a sippy cup. He’s pro with a sippy. He’s been using them for months. And yet the bottle persists. I’m just not even sure how to get him to settle down to sleep without one. He’s pretty addicted to them too. Just mention the word bottle and he rushes over to the fridge to anticipate his next milky hit. If he sees one, you had better be planning on giving it to him, or you will feel his wrath!

I was on the bottle late too. My mom always says I was on it too long. She finally had to reason with me (because I was that old) and told me that once I chewed these nipples up (because I would walk around the house and chew them to bits) she wasn’t going to buy anymore. I remember using a bottle. No word of a lie. I can quite specifically remember how it felt in my hands.

I do feel better about it that Squirt doesn’t wander around with one all day. But I feel guilty about it. I just need to tough it out and teach him to go to sleep without one. But OMG it’s going to be a battle. He completely expects a bottle to help him drift off to sleep… sigh. I recently (as in yesterday)  cut it back to half a bottle instead of a whole. So far there’s been no problem with that. But he’s still getting that fix each time.

I’m not really sure what to do about it to be honest.

SURPRISE! not

Ok. So here’s a couple sentances that I think I have heard almost every single parent say. ‘I never knew how much I could love somebody until I had my baby’. ‘I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea how hard’. ‘I never realized how amazing it is to watch a tiny baby become a person’. Or any of the infinite variations of these words.

Not a single one of them applies to me.

I don’t know if it’s all the time I spent with kids beforehand or what. I mean, I know that I’m not the only parent who did tons of baby sitting before their own little one came along, but really, I have had very, very few surprises as  a parent (after, you know, unplanned pregnancy and him showing up 4 weeks early when Pte Goof and I didn’t have his room ready or even a name picked out yet lol).

When I first held Squirt and snuggled his tiny body to my chest and fell deeply in love with my baby, who still had no name, I never ever thought to myself Wow, who knew I could feel this way. Sure. It was a love unlike any love I had ever known, but it didn’t surprise me. The depth of emotion that this tiny bundle inspired in my very soul felt like it was always there, waiting. He just let it out.

When Squirt was too little because he was born early and his tiny body couldn’t stay awake to feed and we had such a hard time getting nursing under way I never felt surprised that he didn’t just latch on. Part of me was expecting trouble. I was hoping that we would get to breast-feeding with few problems, but I had heard of so many moms having so much trouble in the beginning, I half expected I would too.

When Squirt was just born and not sleeping and up all night and feeding every single hour all day long and pooping just about every second, sure it was hard. It was so hard. But I never thought to myself, OMG I had no idea it would be like this. Not even a wow, this is harder than I thought. It all felt like, well it’s a baby, this what babies do. (Not that I didn’t completely lose it at times, oh trust me, I did, just I expected to lose it haha).

Seeing how amazing it is to watch  Squirt grow into this funny little person doesn’t surprise me either. Sure, the kid surprises me every single day with some funny dance or new word, or new mess to get into, or new habit, or greater understanding of everything around him. But the process, and how incredible it all is… no surprise. It’s wonderful. Amazing. The best thing I have ever witnessed, but I always knew that watching my own child grow and change would be this spectacular.

I’m not trying to brag here. It’s certainly not like I have the answers or anything. I have plenty of insecurities as a parent. There are so many things that scare and worry me. It just has never been a moment of shock for me. Maybe that’s why when people ask me how I’m enjoying motherhood, my immediate answer is always, ‘I love it, I was born to be a mom.’

So have I gotten the wrong impression? Because it feels like every parent I talk to or have read talks about how much surprise there was for them in becoming a parent. Do many parents feel this surprise, or just the ones I know?

I wasn’t sure about posting this, and even as I’m posting it, I’m still not sure. I really don’t want to sound like I’m bragging. I don’t want to sound all self-confident, there are a million and one things that I’m terrified about when it comes to parenthood, it just doesn’t surprise me

Guilt

I’m sure we’ve all heard about the working mom who feels guilty for doing so. Not that all working moms do, or even that they should, but often a mom who works outside the home carries around the guilt of missing out things with their children. They miss milestones, smiles, cuddles. I think a mom who can juggle a career and children is an amazing woman! I’m not sure I could do it to be honest.

But I’ve had a different kind of guilt lately. Because I am home. I don’t miss anything. I’ve been by Squirts side pretty much since the moment he was born. I’m lucky that we can (just) afford to do this. Pte Goof and I have decided that as long as it works, I can stay home. But I feel guilty for staying home. If I were to work, we could afford more. If I were to work we could go out more often. If I were to work I could spoil Squirt a little more. If I worked, we’d save up for a wedding and a house quicker.

I guess it’s a classic grass is always greener on the other side type deal. You go to work you feel guilty for how much your kids miss out on you. You stay home you feel guilty for how much your kids miss out in other advantages. And it’s not just about stupid stuff that doesn’t matter. Money can’t buy you happiness, but I sometimes feel like maybe I’m doing Squirt a disservice by staying home instead of it being good for him.

And I know. Money is only money, and stuff is only stuff. There will be plenty of time for these things later on. There’s no replacing this amazing time in Squirt’s life. I know all this. This is why I am home. But I still feel like all these ways that I have to be so careful with our money in some ways isn’t fair to Squirt.

And in some ways Pte Goof too. He grew up in a family where, although they weren’t rich, they pretty much bought what they wanted when they wanted. Going from that (and a mother who, although making him get a job and earn money, taught him no money management or how to save) to being out on our own with a kid a little money has been a hard transition for him. I’m a saver. I really am. If I can save a buck, you bet I will. But I grew up this way. So it hasn’t been so hard for me. Pte Goof on the other hand… let’s just say it’s been an adjustment.

So I feel guilty. I feel like if I was making a little money, I could spoil Squirt more, and Pte Goof could buy more of the things that he wants. Heck, I could buy more shoes 😉

Mission Accomplished!

I meant to write about this yesterday, but I didn’t get around to it. Remember how I talked about how I was trying to push Squirt’s nap-time from morning to afternoon so he wouldn’t such a monster come bedtime because he refuses a second nap? well yesterday I finally did it! yay! I fed him lunch at 11:55, and he napped straight afterwards! And let me tell you, he was ready for a sleep by then!

Today was the same, lunch came and went, then off to bed for a nice long nap. Changing the time has been a little frustrating, but totally worth it because he is no longer so tired by bedtime that he just doesn’t even know what to do with himself. Sigh. It’s a bit of a relief really.

Yay for victories 🙂

Jinxed

So remember how I opened my big mouthhere and totally bragged about how great this time change had been and how I was getting extra sleep? Well yeah, I totally jinxed it, as I predicted.

Last night Squirt was super tired. We had gone on a little walk (where I actually let him walk on the sidewalk instead of in the stroller or the backpack) after supper, and although he loved every minute of it, it totally tuckered him out. Once we got home about 45 minutes before bedtime he was totally done in. 15 minutes later when he pulled me over to his crib and babbled incoherently, but in very distressed tones while pointing inside I figured that even though it was half on hour early he was totally ready for bed now. And he was. Jammies, bottle, story, out. No problem.

Until this morning when he woke up 2 and a half hours early.

Combine that with the fact that Pte Goof was up with the same cold we have (we were kind enough to share with him before we left our last visit), and decided to text me at 1:30 am because I’m usually still up (but of course, last night, since I was sick I was actually able to get to sleep for a change) and woke me, and I’m pretty darn tired.

When Squirt goes down for his nap I’m going to see if I can get one in too. Tonight we have plans to have dinner with my MIL, but if I feel like this I may just postpone until tomorrow, she’ll understand, she knows we’re both sick.

Time Change

I’m sure now that I’m saying it out loud I will totally jinx it, but this time change has been wonderful! It has come at the perfect time!

I say this because since Squirt is sick I’ve had no problems getting him to go to bed at the new time, but he’s still waking up at the old time! You read that right! I’m now getting an extra (very needed) hour of sleep a night! It’s very needed because as I’ve mentioned before I have major issues falling asleep when Pte Goof’s not here (I feel so lame when I say that, but it’s true), and am awake way too late every night. No matter what time I got to bed.

The new schedule is also helping me move Squirt’s only nap from morning to the afternoon, which I have tried to do for a few weeks now. Since he’s getting up an hour later, and has an hour more sleep it’s not very hard to keep him up longer in the morning. the reason I’m trying to shift his nap is because he’s such a super naper, he’ll nap anywhere from an hour and a half to three (!) hours. But then there’s no way you’re going to get a second nap in. When that one and only nap is from 10-1, it makes it a long haul to get to bedtime, and he’s super tired and a little cranky by the end of the day. I’d like to get to the point where I feed him lunch at noon and nap right after, and we’re getting super close!

I don’t know if this will stick once he’s feeling better, but for now it’s fabulous!

Cough Cough

That is the joyful sound of a sick toddler. Squirt is sick. Joy. So far he’s been pretty good. He’s not whiny or anything. He just has a really phlegm-y cough and a runny nose. And he’s  a little extra tired. He actually took two naps yesterday. He hasn’t taken two naps in like a month. I’m hoping that it’ll stick like this. Yes he’s sick, but he’s not overly cranky.

I really hope he doesn’t get all cranky because I can tell I’m coming down with whatever he has too. Usually when I get a cold I get a few days of runny nose and lots and lots of coughing, then get over it. But every now and then, I’m going to say every 2-3 years, when I’m run down I’ll get a cold and it will just blow me over. I’ll be sick for about 2 months. I’ll cough and cough so bad I can’t get any sleep. I’ll lose all apatite. And it’s been about 2 years since I’ve gotten sick like that. I’m hoping the stress of Pte Goof being away, and the lack of sleep I get when he’s gone doesn’t mean I’m run down enough to get sick like that. So right now I’m trying to take really good care of myself so that doesn’t happen.

In other news Pte Goof has started his course and they’ve taken away all electronics. I don’t understand how being able to text your family or talk to them on msn for a bit a night will make you a worse soldier. I really don’t get it.

And the Award for Worst Mother Goes to…

After the shampoo incident, Squirt freaks out every time I go to rinse the shampoo off his head. He’s never really been in love with the process, but he seems more upset now. Sigh,

And if that wasn’t enough… I mentioned to you guys yesterday about the lovely walk Squirt and I took yesterday. What I didn’t tell you is that while we were strolling on of the trails by our place (our town has an awesome network of  trails!) I walked the poor kid into a tree! Once again, he wasn’t really hurt, he cried a bit, but it was short-lived. Oh my God though, could you imagine if the branch had stabbed him in the eye or something? I’d never have forgiven myself!

And then today. I’m not really feeling well, I was up half the night with some strange abdominal pain. I didn’t get very much sleep, and I still feel kind of crappy. Squirt was being so clingy, of course (I think it’s because he can tell that mommy doesn’t really feel well, and he wants to make me better, or at least happy, little sweetie that he is). I just wanted five flipping minutes to myself, so I figured I’d hand him three various sized funnels I got at Dollarama the other day. Something he hasn’t seen before, and pretty harmless. They did actually entertain him for quite a while, but fast forward to a couple hours later when they were still sprawled across my living room floor and you’ll see Squirt falling on his butt right on the business end of a funnel. The tears that accompanied that one!! My Goodness!

Hopefully I don’t break the poor kid before we go down to visit Pte Goof later this week (that’s right we’re going to visit!! I can’t wait!!)