I have some nasty nasty bug today. So far I haven’t puked, but I think that will come. So, go here and read this instead…
So I just realized yesterday that my blog will be turning one tomorrow! (which, by the way, I’m still not sure what I’m going to do to celebrate that… I’m open for suggestions). Because I realized this I took a little trip down memory lane and read a few of my very first posts. This is what struck me. Holy crap, Pte Goof and I are doing so much better! I mean, we’re still having a little trouble with things. We’re both hot headed and stubborn, but wow, when I started this blog I was almost at my whits end with things. Really, that’s why I started this blog. I just couldn’t handle all the stress and didn’t feel like I had anybody to confide in.
This all got me thinking. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so bad with the blogging lately. I don’t need it like I used to. I mean, I still have tons of troubles and stresses, and this blog can still be a wonderful outlet, but I’m not quite so ready to crumble as I was when I started this a year ago. This makes me a little sad. Obviously it’s a good thing if my relationship with Goof isn’t nearly as bad and strained as it was back then, but I don’t want to out grow this little peice of internet I love so much.
I guess I need to think about what I want this blog to be now. It’s no longer about how Pte Goof doesn’t want to marry me. I no longer feel like I can share just anything. So what is this blog now? Why do I still need this in my life?
I’m not sure.
So after yesterday’s post, I’ve been thinking and it brought me to a slightly shocking realization. I mean shocking to me. Ever since Pte Goof and I started dating and he told me he was going to join the military I have been absolutely dreading the moving. There are a few reasons for this (which I’m sure are obvious, but I’m going to talk about them anyways).
I lived in the same house from the time I was a year and a half old until I moved in with Goof just before Squirt was born. I lived for just 8 months away from home at university, but really, I’ve only live in one place. Pte Goof and I live just 10 minutes from my childhood home (It’s just in the next town). So I have never really moved. Certainly not far. I’m scared to move away. I’m such a scaredy-cat when it comes to change. There’s a good chance that Goof will be stationed in Alberta when he’s finished his course. A.l.b.e.r.t.a. The thought of being so far away from everyone I know frightens me.
Also, I don’t want Squirt to not be able to see his grandparents. Both my parents and my MIL live within a 10 minute drive now. We see them roughly weekly. My own grandparents (and even a good chunk of my extended family) all live within an hour and a half drive. It’s a doable distance for an afternoon visit. I don’t want Squirt to miss out on seeing his grand parents. I don’t want to always be a flight away. Grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandchildren (and let me tell you, his grandparents all love to!). I know that they can still have a great relationship from across the country. especially these days when there’s so much technology. But it’s not the same.
And I don’t like being told what to do. Never have (I would pretty much make the worst soldier ever for like a million reasons, but this is a big one). I hate that for the 20+ years I won’t be able to choose where Pte Goof and I will live. I don’t get to choose where I will raise my son. It makes me angry just thinking about it (yeah, I may have some authority issues…). I don’t want to have to go where they tell us. I don’t like that they have to power to up and move us to another continent if they so desire. I mean, yes I have to choice to stay behind, but you know, it’s like yesterday, what kind of choice is that. Move away from everything or not live with Pte Goof…
But the point of this post is not to complain about all the reasons I don’t want to move. This post is about what I realized yesterday. I realized that in some small way (even though all the above things are still true) I’m slightly looking forward to moving. (I’m actually finding this a little hard to admit, you can add ‘stubborn’ to ‘problems with authority’ haha). I’m kind of looking forward to living on base and actually getting to know a few milspouses so I can get a little more support than ‘it’s your choice’. There’s just no way to understand unless you’re living it yourself, and being off base (and not even anywhere near one) it’s kind of hard to meet other people living it. I hear very good things about the military community, and lately I’ve felt like I kind of need that support.
This really surprised me, but I guess it’s good, I don’t dread everything.