Monthly Archives: June 2010

Old Friends, or Something Like That

So I have this friend from high school. We had a few classes together throughout our high school careers. I never ever hung out with him outside of school, or even outside of class really, but we got along. We used to flirt like mad (back when I used to flirt with any single guy who would give me the time of day). But he’s well… awkward. Like extremely awkward. He doesn’t quite get social cues. It’s kind of hard to explain.

Anyway, he moved to Guelph, and I haven’t seen him for 3 years, but we talk occasionally on msn. 2 weeks ago he broke his wrist while rollerblading and decided to come home to his parent’s place for a bit since he can’t work and his dominate hand is busted. He insisted that I come out to see him with Squirt since he was in the area. I was hesitant, because although we got along in high school, well to be honest, he’s pretty annoying (I don’t quite get this relationship to be honest with you, in some ways I just can’t stand the guy, but we used to get along so well, and it’s not like he’s changed he’s always been awkward and annoying…)  but he insisted. I was talking to my other bff (I don’t talk about her much on here, but she’s totally the best person ever, and a huge part of my life, she totally deserves her own name here) about this and we wondered how he does it. A few years ago he happened to be in the same province for the summer that she was living in at the time and he totally talked her into driving an hour to see him. Even though she didn’t want to either. Neither of us could figure out how he talks people into these things. I mean, he’s a nice enough guy, it’s not like he’s an ahole or anything, just… well irritating.

So Squirt and I drove the 25 minutes to go see him. I really didn’t want to, but I figured, hey, he’s been bugging me to come visit him in Guelph for like a year now, maybe I can get a visit over with now, and then soon I’ll be moving out of province and it’ll be done.

15 minutes after getting there he started. The tickley, touchy way that we used to behave. You know, back when we were 16 and both single, and it was just silly fun? But we’re not 16 anymore. And I’m not single. It wasn’t like the whole time, just here and there, but It made me so uncomfortable. I’m a 23-year-old mom to a toddler and engaged. I mean, common. But I’m ashamed to admit I didn’t say anything. I certainly didn’t encourage it. I did my best to make it obvious that I wasn’t enjoying it without actually saying it. But I should have. I should have said something. I am engaged for crying out loud. This is no longer appropriate! But, like the chickenshit I am, I didn’t say anything.

He also got mad when I talked about my plans with Pte Goof to likely move to Alberta. He got all pissed off about Pte Goof putting the military ahead of his family. I tried to explain that part of the reason he wants to do well in the military is for his family. I mean sure, it’s partly selfish too because it’s his dream, but obviously when he does well it gives us advantages too. And we decided Alberta was the best for his career. I understand that he’s an old friend and he feels a certain amount of protectiveness or whatever for me, but really, who the hell is he to get mad because Pte Goof and I decided together to move to Alberta?

So now I feel bad. I feel like I didn’t stick up enough for Goof, and I know I should have said something to this guy about how he was tickling me. So I ask you, how should I have dealt with this? What should I have said without being a total bitch to clue him into the fact that I’m at a very different spot in my life than when we sat at the back of biology and he tickled my knees under the lab counter?

Drafts Drafts Dratfs

I seem to be writing and writing drafts these days. Starting bits and pieces that I want to write but don’t have the time to finish. Or I can’t find the right words. The good news is that I’m actually writing more than I have been in a very long time, but the bad news is I have posted less… (although a little more the past couple days).

But the bug has bit me once more, so hopefully you guys will start to see all these random things sitting in my drafts folder out here.  I love how this blog just lets me get out whatever is sitting on mu shoulders that day. As Jess always says, it’s way cheaper than therapy!

Confession

So I totally have a confession to make.

Squirt it still on the bottle.

He’s over 18 months now, and he still gets a bottle at nap time and another at bed time (and if I’m being totally honest, I still bring one with me to any event so I can give it to him if he just won’t shut up in a crowd! I know, lazy mothering or what?). Everything else is always in a sippy cup. He’s pro with a sippy. He’s been using them for months. And yet the bottle persists. I’m just not even sure how to get him to settle down to sleep without one. He’s pretty addicted to them too. Just mention the word bottle and he rushes over to the fridge to anticipate his next milky hit. If he sees one, you had better be planning on giving it to him, or you will feel his wrath!

I was on the bottle late too. My mom always says I was on it too long. She finally had to reason with me (because I was that old) and told me that once I chewed these nipples up (because I would walk around the house and chew them to bits) she wasn’t going to buy anymore. I remember using a bottle. No word of a lie. I can quite specifically remember how it felt in my hands.

I do feel better about it that Squirt doesn’t wander around with one all day. But I feel guilty about it. I just need to tough it out and teach him to go to sleep without one. But OMG it’s going to be a battle. He completely expects a bottle to help him drift off to sleep… sigh. I recently (as in yesterday)  cut it back to half a bottle instead of a whole. So far there’s been no problem with that. But he’s still getting that fix each time.

I’m not really sure what to do about it to be honest.

Why Thank-you!

Wow! Once again I have been given an award. And once again, I took FOREVER to get to it. But I swear it’s not cause I’m ungrateful. I was given this one not once, but twice! So thank-you ladies! I love that you both thought of me :). And I’m very sorry it took me so long to finally acknowledge that you guys awarded it to me!

As per usual with these fun blogish awards, there are a few rules. This one has pretty standard ones 🙂

  • Thank the person who gave you the award.
  • Share 7 things about yourself.
  • Pass this award on to 15 bloggers you’ve recently discovered and who you think are fantastic!

So, one more time, thank-you so much Jess and Paula. You ladies are the reason I’m here in this lovely blogyland!

Seven things:

1. I’m SUCH a procrastinator! It’s ridiculous (see always taking forever to get to award posts!). My apartment totally suffers for it. It such a mess at this very moment I would be embarrassed if even Pte Goof saw it.

2. I often have a very hard time letting an argument end. I feel like I always have to ‘win’ and this leads to some insanely ridiculous fights! I’m really working on this though, and I think I’m improving.

3. I’m obsessed with remembering everything, I wish I could remember my entire childhood. I’m constantly thinking to myself, remember this moment.

4. Ever since reading Fifth business in 12th grade Robertson Davies has been one of my very favourite authors.

5. As a kid I fell down entire flights of stairs twice, out of trees, on big rocks, and I never broke a bone until I fell off the school bus in gr 9

6. Music is everything. I love how many connections I have to songs, for times in my life, for certain people, for places, for emotions, it’s all music

7. I was totally having a writer’s block moment while coming up with these 7 things, but I finally sat down to write this post, so I really wanted to get it done (I feel bad every time I post something else and haven’t done the award post yet, and I have drafts piling up!), so I stole a lot of them (almost all) from an old Facebook meme. I wrote it just over a year ago, and I can’t believe how much of it is no longer true already!

Now, the passing it on part. Once again, I waited too long. I’m not even kidding you when I tell you that every single person I would have nominated has been already, some of them multiple times! Sigh, I need to do these things a little quicker!

SURPRISE! not

Ok. So here’s a couple sentances that I think I have heard almost every single parent say. ‘I never knew how much I could love somebody until I had my baby’. ‘I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea how hard’. ‘I never realized how amazing it is to watch a tiny baby become a person’. Or any of the infinite variations of these words.

Not a single one of them applies to me.

I don’t know if it’s all the time I spent with kids beforehand or what. I mean, I know that I’m not the only parent who did tons of baby sitting before their own little one came along, but really, I have had very, very few surprises as  a parent (after, you know, unplanned pregnancy and him showing up 4 weeks early when Pte Goof and I didn’t have his room ready or even a name picked out yet lol).

When I first held Squirt and snuggled his tiny body to my chest and fell deeply in love with my baby, who still had no name, I never ever thought to myself Wow, who knew I could feel this way. Sure. It was a love unlike any love I had ever known, but it didn’t surprise me. The depth of emotion that this tiny bundle inspired in my very soul felt like it was always there, waiting. He just let it out.

When Squirt was too little because he was born early and his tiny body couldn’t stay awake to feed and we had such a hard time getting nursing under way I never felt surprised that he didn’t just latch on. Part of me was expecting trouble. I was hoping that we would get to breast-feeding with few problems, but I had heard of so many moms having so much trouble in the beginning, I half expected I would too.

When Squirt was just born and not sleeping and up all night and feeding every single hour all day long and pooping just about every second, sure it was hard. It was so hard. But I never thought to myself, OMG I had no idea it would be like this. Not even a wow, this is harder than I thought. It all felt like, well it’s a baby, this what babies do. (Not that I didn’t completely lose it at times, oh trust me, I did, just I expected to lose it haha).

Seeing how amazing it is to watch  Squirt grow into this funny little person doesn’t surprise me either. Sure, the kid surprises me every single day with some funny dance or new word, or new mess to get into, or new habit, or greater understanding of everything around him. But the process, and how incredible it all is… no surprise. It’s wonderful. Amazing. The best thing I have ever witnessed, but I always knew that watching my own child grow and change would be this spectacular.

I’m not trying to brag here. It’s certainly not like I have the answers or anything. I have plenty of insecurities as a parent. There are so many things that scare and worry me. It just has never been a moment of shock for me. Maybe that’s why when people ask me how I’m enjoying motherhood, my immediate answer is always, ‘I love it, I was born to be a mom.’

So have I gotten the wrong impression? Because it feels like every parent I talk to or have read talks about how much surprise there was for them in becoming a parent. Do many parents feel this surprise, or just the ones I know?

I wasn’t sure about posting this, and even as I’m posting it, I’m still not sure. I really don’t want to sound like I’m bragging. I don’t want to sound all self-confident, there are a million and one things that I’m terrified about when it comes to parenthood, it just doesn’t surprise me

Common!

What not to say to a woman when talking about possible future deployments of her finace (no matter how distant said deployments may or may not be)

‘Tell him to walk everywhere, they all die from road side bombs’.

Thanks for that asshole. Really, If you weren’t family…

Doubt

Lately I’ve been doubting myself again. This little thought kind of sits there all the time, but the last few days it seems to be creeping back to the surface.

I’m really not sure if I can do all this guys. This whole military thing. I waver back and forth between feeling like I’m just going to tough it out, put on my big girl panties, and deal, and thinking there is no way in hell I’ll be able to handle it. But now, we’re definitely in the second column. Just the thought of future deployments that has me in tears now. What kind of mess will I be when it’s actually time for one. When I actually have to sit here every day while he’s over seas and worry about if he’s dead or alive. Jumping when the phone rings or when a strange car pulls up to the house wondering if I’m about to be told the worst news of my life. I don’t know if I can handle that kind of stress.

I’m just not sure I have it in me guys. I don’t know if I have the strength. I’m already a mess about the whole thing and we have hardly dealt with anything.  I mean, sure he’s been away, and that’s super hard. But he’s just training. He’s still in Ontario. We visit each other. Now that he has electronics again we talk on msn all the time. He says good night to Squirt almost every night over video chat.

When he’s over seas, on the other hand,  there will be times when he has no access to internet. Or when he does he won’t have any time to actually talk. Or even shoot me an email. He’ll be in very real, very serious danger. and I’m such a baby. Everything makes me cry. I mean it. Everything. It just seem all so immensely big, and scary. How on Earth can a baby like me deal with this kind of shit?

And the crazy fool. He wants to go over so badly. We picked Alberta as our first posting once he’s done his training for a variety of reasons, but Goof’s biggest reason he wants to go there is because he thinks that he’ll get over seas to see some action quickest that way (I know, I picked a fucking nutter).  One if his biggest fears is that he won’t get to go to Afghanistan before we pull out there (I know, I know, a nutter).

It just has me so scared guys. Scared doesn’t cover it. I’m crying now, just typing this out. Fuck.

p.s. sorry for this, I just need to vent somewhere, and Miss Stiles is not of much use at the moment. Also, I know I have an award to get to, I’ll get there soon, k?