Tag Archives: social anxiety

On Relocating Difficulties

So, I haven’t talked too much about the move. You know, the one half-way across the country?

For various reasons I’ve shied away from the subject.

But it’s been incredibly hard on me. Right now I’m not working and I’m not on base and it’s been insanely hard to meet anyone. I’ve never had to try to make friends before. When you move as a kid (which I never did) or start at a new school (which I only did a couple of times) although it is hard to be the new person, you do get out and see people every single day. And although it can be very difficult to make friends at times (I was not well liked at my elementary school, and still carry deep scars from my time there), you at least interact and eventually, usually, you can find somebody with whom you have a little common ground. I’ve always managed to find at least one person to hang out and giggle with.

But here. Here is so different. Here I don’t know anyone, and my ways to meet them are limited. I only have a car about half the time (less lately). There’s no small town atmosphere that seems to lend itself to more instant camaraderie.  Squirt and I have been attending a toddler/baby group thing at the library, but that can only be done when we have the car, and even though we’ve been a few times, my attempts at conversation with the other moms never really get anywhere. I know I’m socially awkward, but really? No friends for me in a group of about 25 moms every week? Is it because I’m young? Do they judge me for having a baby “too young?” I don’t know.

I know all this is really a bunch of excuses for myself. If I really want some friends I should go out and get them!! But there’s more to it.

I’ve just been so sad since coming here. I’m mad at the army for plucking me from everything I know. I’m upset about the feeling of a lack of control over my life. Truth be told, sometimes I’m a little angry with Goof for being in the army. I’m not proud of it, but it’s the truth. I’m struggling with what feels like a million different things and sometimes it feels like they’re going drown me.

And all of this just makes it so much harder. Harder to get dressed. Harder to shower every day. Harder to get out of the house. Harder to take part in things. Harder to talk to people. Harder to be in groups. Harder to not panic when I say something stupid or awkward (which I always manage to do lol).

So, I have no friends.

Wow, this post was going to be about a walk I took with Squirt this morning, but holy cow, this is just where my fingers took me. I’m glad. I needed to get it out. I needed to complain. Thanks guys for being there to listen to me whine.

Stuck

So… I haven’t been around, but I don’t need to tell you that, you already know that. Here’s the thing. I’m so incredibly stuck for blogging. And it all comes down to this whole anonymity thing. I’ve let my actual online personality and my blogging personality overlap too much. So now I feel too scared to blog because I really don’t know how to blog about certain things going on in my life, while not blogging about things that would open me wide and show (quite plainly) who I actually am.

See I started this blog anonymously for the specific purpose that I could blog about anything or anyone without hurting anybody. I want to be able to complain about my MIL or friends who I am finding frustrating without having to worry that they’re going to find it and be hurt (ok, so my MIL would never in a million years stumble across this blog, but other people in my life just might).  I’ve thought about just coming out and saying “hey, this is me” (A thought that excites me because then I could do things like post cute pics of Little Squirt), but then I think about the things I’ve said about Miss Stiles or my SIL, and the things I feel I might say one day, and then I think twice.

So I choose to remain anonymous, and leave this bit of internet as a safe place for me to talk about anything. But then I can’t really talk about anything because of the overlap that I have allowed to occur. People know things going on in my life, as my ‘real’ self, and I get scared about talking about them here . Scared that people will make the connection (if they haven’t already).

And so silence here and confusion and indecision in my head.

Sorry, this post is kind of a big mess that goes in circles… welcome to my thought process.

Old Friends, or Something Like That

So I have this friend from high school. We had a few classes together throughout our high school careers. I never ever hung out with him outside of school, or even outside of class really, but we got along. We used to flirt like mad (back when I used to flirt with any single guy who would give me the time of day). But he’s well… awkward. Like extremely awkward. He doesn’t quite get social cues. It’s kind of hard to explain.

Anyway, he moved to Guelph, and I haven’t seen him for 3 years, but we talk occasionally on msn. 2 weeks ago he broke his wrist while rollerblading and decided to come home to his parent’s place for a bit since he can’t work and his dominate hand is busted. He insisted that I come out to see him with Squirt since he was in the area. I was hesitant, because although we got along in high school, well to be honest, he’s pretty annoying (I don’t quite get this relationship to be honest with you, in some ways I just can’t stand the guy, but we used to get along so well, and it’s not like he’s changed he’s always been awkward and annoying…)  but he insisted. I was talking to my other bff (I don’t talk about her much on here, but she’s totally the best person ever, and a huge part of my life, she totally deserves her own name here) about this and we wondered how he does it. A few years ago he happened to be in the same province for the summer that she was living in at the time and he totally talked her into driving an hour to see him. Even though she didn’t want to either. Neither of us could figure out how he talks people into these things. I mean, he’s a nice enough guy, it’s not like he’s an ahole or anything, just… well irritating.

So Squirt and I drove the 25 minutes to go see him. I really didn’t want to, but I figured, hey, he’s been bugging me to come visit him in Guelph for like a year now, maybe I can get a visit over with now, and then soon I’ll be moving out of province and it’ll be done.

15 minutes after getting there he started. The tickley, touchy way that we used to behave. You know, back when we were 16 and both single, and it was just silly fun? But we’re not 16 anymore. And I’m not single. It wasn’t like the whole time, just here and there, but It made me so uncomfortable. I’m a 23-year-old mom to a toddler and engaged. I mean, common. But I’m ashamed to admit I didn’t say anything. I certainly didn’t encourage it. I did my best to make it obvious that I wasn’t enjoying it without actually saying it. But I should have. I should have said something. I am engaged for crying out loud. This is no longer appropriate! But, like the chickenshit I am, I didn’t say anything.

He also got mad when I talked about my plans with Pte Goof to likely move to Alberta. He got all pissed off about Pte Goof putting the military ahead of his family. I tried to explain that part of the reason he wants to do well in the military is for his family. I mean sure, it’s partly selfish too because it’s his dream, but obviously when he does well it gives us advantages too. And we decided Alberta was the best for his career. I understand that he’s an old friend and he feels a certain amount of protectiveness or whatever for me, but really, who the hell is he to get mad because Pte Goof and I decided together to move to Alberta?

So now I feel bad. I feel like I didn’t stick up enough for Goof, and I know I should have said something to this guy about how he was tickling me. So I ask you, how should I have dealt with this? What should I have said without being a total bitch to clue him into the fact that I’m at a very different spot in my life than when we sat at the back of biology and he tickled my knees under the lab counter?

Home Again, Home again, Jiggity Jig

So I’m sure you guys figured out that I was busy visiting with Pte Goof  the last few days. But we’re back now. I’ve got so much catching up to do on my Google reader!

It was such a great trip. I’m so glad we got the chance before his course started up!

On friday Pte Goof’s Aunt and Uncle baby sat for us and we went out with his sister (who now has a name! Belle :)). It was so fun to go out drinking and dancing! I do miss the party life we had before Squirt came along. We didn’t stay out too late, because Pte Goof was a party pooper pretty tired, so we left well before his sister (and let me tell you, drunk Fable was NOT impressed with leaving so early on probably her only chance to go out until like Christmas). But it was such a blast! I forgot to bring clubbing shoes with me (ok, I’ll be totally honest, I may have ‘forgotten’ on purpose, so I had an excuse to buy new ones) and got these amazing red pumps! I have been looking for a pair of red high heels for 3 years! Yes 3 years! and I finally found some I love (and in my size, my feet are big!!).

And Saturday evening Belle babysat for us and Pte Goof and I went out for dinner just the two of us. It was such a lovely date. I haven’t had such a good time just the two of us in forever. We ate at this little Japanese restaurant we found. I’ve had sushi from the grocery store, but never really eaten Japanese. It was amazing! We absolutely loved it! My food had tentacles in it!!

And I crossed off an item on my life list (which I really should post here already, I talked about it months ago). Learning to eat with chopsticks. When I realized that  the restaurant only had chopsticks to eat with I nearly had a panic attack and told Pte Goof we had to leave. You see, I seem to have some sort of social anxiety. And I had kind of envisioned myself figuring out the whole chopstick thing by myself at home. Not in a restaurant where people could see me! Seriously, I almost made him leave with me. But the old Pte Goof stepped up and talked me down from the panic raising up inside and convinced me to stay and try it. And I am so glad and thankful. Not only did I get a fabulous meal, and cross off an item on my life list, I got to see Pte Goof taking care of me and being the sweet guy I know he is.

Oh! and I almost forgot! Another thing with my whole social anxiety, I have no confidence in my cooking skills, and very, very rarely cook for other people. It makes me so nervous. I only spent one year away at school and I had a meal plan then, so I haven’t had that much practice before moving in with Pte Goof. But Now that Squirt’s eating so much more variety and ‘grown-up’ food I’ve experimented with food for the two of us and have actually started to get a little better. So when we got there on thursday night I offered to make us all stir-fry. I was still a little nervous for how it would turn out, but it was delicious. Belle and Pte Goof seemed to enjoy it immensely :). Yay for over coming fears!

All in all it was the best time I’ve had in a long time. Now I’m just sad cause I miss him. But Easter’s not too far away!

Do You Scrapbook?

This was the question asked me today in the grocery store. Potentially leading to a friendship…

Squirt and I just got back from grocery shopping. It was super busy, especially for 2:00 on a Tuesday. He was being a little monster. He has no use for carts right now because he just wants to walk. But OMG squirt loose in the grocery store? I don’t think so. So I’m trying to get my shopping done so I can, you know, feed us, and he is shrieking at the top of his lungs. Not crying, just yelling. Loudly. Incredibly.

So by the time he and I get to the cash register we’re both so fed up with each other. Me because I think he may have made 5 different people temporarily deaf. He because he just didn’t want to be in that cart anymore dammit. The line was long since it was so busy today. There was a mother and her little girl ahead of us. The mom looked a little older than me, maybe just a couple of years. She started talking to the little girl about the baby boy behind her, don’t you want to say hi to the cute little boy? The little girl was reluctant, being shy as little ones tend to be. Looking back now, I wonder if the mom was purposely trying to start a conversation to talk to me. The equivalent of using your kid as a wing man in the mommy friend world lol.

Eventually the little girl turned around, and as the mom lead the conversation she the three of us (the mom, the little girl, and I, since Squirt isn’t quite verbal yet) learned the kids names and ages. The little girl’s turning 3 next month.

I didn’t really think about it, I was just glad that there was something to distract Squirt from the fact that he was still strapped into that damn cart. and let me tell you, if anything’s going to distract him it’s a cute girl (he’s definitely his father’s child lol). The mom put her items through, paid, and started to bag her groceries. Our kids began to make faces at each other and giggled. I put my items through, paid, and was bagging, assuming the mom and little girl were already on their way out of the store. When suddenly I hear her say ‘Do you scrapbook’? I was so surprised. What a random question! From a woman I figured I’d never see again. I said why yes, I love to scrapbook. So she asked to exchange numbers since our kids like each other so much.

So there you have it guys. I may have a mommy friend. For some reason this makes me a little nervous (I’m not sure why), but excited

It’s the Weekend…

But it doesn’t feel like it. The last 2 months of boot camp Pte Goof was home almost every single weekend. But now he’s in Manitoba, so it’s not like I can just drive out there and pick him up for a couple nights. So it doesn’t feel like the weekend and I miss him.

My best friend (who I vow will have a nickname soon here) is coming over today. And this may make me a horrible person but I don’t want her to. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’d just rather hang out here with Squirt and just be. I avoid her all the time. Which drives her crazy because she hates it when she calls and you don’t call her back within 10 minutes. She’s one of those people who feel like since you have a cell phone you should always be ready and waiting to take her calls and texts. and I’m just not like that. I don’t like being available 100% of the time. Sometimes I don’t want people to be able to get a hold of me. And the fact that she gets so upset when I don’t call her back right away makes me often ignore her calls for days in a row. Why do I do this? I don’t know. but I do.

So there you have it. I’m awful.