Tag Archives: sigh

Arg

I’m really sorry, this post is going to be completely pointless, run around in circles, and likely make no sense to anyone, but I’m fucking mad and I need a little outlet, and my dear little corner of the internet is going to be it!

Why must it always be the same shit all the time? Why does it all happen over and over and over again? I feel like every time things just barely start to smooth out it just falls right beck to where it was.

Have some damn respect for me. Have some damn respect for my feelings. Have some damn respect for us. Have some damn respect for what I do. I’m so bloody sick of it and it’s pissing me off.

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It’s Your Choice

Dear Friends,

This is the absolute most annoying phrase to me. This phrase makes me so mad these days. It’s usually preceded by ‘Yeah but’…

Listen friends (a little aside, this post is directed at a few of my friends I know in person, all you lovely bloggy ladies have been nothing but sportive), I know that I chose this. I know that I made the decision to have Pte Goof away all the time, and to have to move God knows where, and to have Squirt hardly see him, and to have to face future deployments, and all the endless list of grievances. I know that I made that choice (even if I was kind of tossed into it).

But the fact that I chose this doesn’t make it much easier (I have to admit had I been forced to do this not of my own free will I’d have a harder time yet). It wasn’t like I said to Pte Goof, ‘You know what would be awesome, if you knocked me up the buggered off to join the army’. And sometimes I need to complain about it. Sometimes I just need you to listen and nod along and say ‘Yeah, it must suck’.

I know it must be annoying and redundant to have me complain once again about how much I miss him. Or how hard it is to parent Squirt all by myself. Or how much I hate the drive to go see him. Or how I’m so not looking forward to moving wherever the army tell me. Or how expensive it is for him to come home. Or, or, or. I’m sure it gets tedious at times. But I listen to you tell me for the millionth time how much you want to loose weight. Or how much you wish you had a girl/boyfriend. Or how you can’t stand living with your parents one more day. I could just say, ‘well that’s your choice’ and dismiss you like you do me. I could say ‘get your ass to a gym’ ‘get out and meet people once in a while’ ‘then move out already’ and tell you it’s your choice to be where you are. But I don’t. I listen and say ‘oh yeah, that sucks’ because that’s sometimes what you need to hear.

I don’t need to be reminded that my own choices got me here. I know that. I know that everything going on in my life is what Pte Goof and I have made decisions about. I know this. You don’t need to tell me.

Kindest Regards,

Fable

Sorry about the negative post. I had intentions of writing about something else entirely until last night once again when I was just looking for a little sympathy all I get from my friends is ‘yeah, but, it’s your choice’. -F

And the Award for Worst Mother Goes to…

After the shampoo incident, Squirt freaks out every time I go to rinse the shampoo off his head. He’s never really been in love with the process, but he seems more upset now. Sigh,

And if that wasn’t enough… I mentioned to you guys yesterday about the lovely walk Squirt and I took yesterday. What I didn’t tell you is that while we were strolling on of the trails by our place (our town has an awesome network of  trails!) I walked the poor kid into a tree! Once again, he wasn’t really hurt, he cried a bit, but it was short-lived. Oh my God though, could you imagine if the branch had stabbed him in the eye or something? I’d never have forgiven myself!

And then today. I’m not really feeling well, I was up half the night with some strange abdominal pain. I didn’t get very much sleep, and I still feel kind of crappy. Squirt was being so clingy, of course (I think it’s because he can tell that mommy doesn’t really feel well, and he wants to make me better, or at least happy, little sweetie that he is). I just wanted five flipping minutes to myself, so I figured I’d hand him three various sized funnels I got at Dollarama the other day. Something he hasn’t seen before, and pretty harmless. They did actually entertain him for quite a while, but fast forward to a couple hours later when they were still sprawled across my living room floor and you’ll see Squirt falling on his butt right on the business end of a funnel. The tears that accompanied that one!! My Goodness!

Hopefully I don’t break the poor kid before we go down to visit Pte Goof later this week (that’s right we’re going to visit!! I can’t wait!!)

Well Then

Wow. What a trip.

Pte Goof had to go back to his posting on Tues. We decided to go all together, and Squirt and I stayed at Goof’s sister’s place, which was empty, because she’s home for reading week. Our original plan was to come home last night (late, so Squirt would sleep through the 4 hour drive, and there would be less traffic, because it’s almost all city driving, which I hate, hate, hate, but I digress). Instead we drove home this morning, and guys, I nearly came home a single woman.

I’m not going to go into all the nitty-gritty. I just don’t want to open myself up to the criticism that we would likely receive. But here’s a little short version. A Cole’s notes if you wish.

So. Pte Goof had always been an amazing boyfriend and lover. He was attentive and caring and made me feel wonderful about myself. I knew just a few months into the relationship that he was the man I wanted to marry. We had already talked about marriage, and Pte Goof had even bought me a promise ring that he was going to give to me before he left for boot camp the first time.

Before he gave it to me (but after he had bought it) I took that fateful test. I really didn’t want him to leave me to join the military when I was pregnant, but he kept insisting he needed to, and that it was now even for the baby because of the financial stability it would provide. He left and I cried and cried and cried every single day (thank you crazy pregnancy hormones!). After 5 weeks he decided he couldn’t bear being away from me, and came home.

In November we finally found an apartment and moved in together.

Long story slightly less long, He decided to go back, and I convinced him to wait until after the baby arrived. I’ll be honest, I was hoping and praying that the sight of his new baby would make him change his mind. No such luck. shortly after Squirt arrived (less than 2 weeks, just 2 days before Christmas) Pte Goof lost someone very, very dear to him to cancer.

And he just snapped.

I mean. People need time to grieve. I would never deny that. And I gave him time. I gave him oodles of time. But he just couldn’t get over it. The baby that put a stop to our partying. The switch from living with his mom to living with his fiance and being a parent. The somewhat sudden loss of someone so dear. All so close together.

And I guess I was the easiest person to take it out on. Don’t get me wrong guys. It’s not like he was ever horrible to me. He never abused me or anything like that. He wasn’t even bad to me (99% of the time). It’s just that he was no longer good to me.

He slowly got over what I can only assume was depression. He worked his way back to normal. But things between us didn’t really get better. We were caught in this whirlwind of life. We had to grow up so fast. And let me tell you, Pte Goof was not ready to be a parent. Not that I’m anywhere near perfect, but kids just come naturally to me. Pte Goof however… well he has decided he hates kids. I mean he loves Squirt. Loves him to death. But he doesn’t want more now (we used to talk about having kids not kid). And I want more. He decided he couldn’t marry me anymore. He moved back in with his mom for a bit.

Even once he came around and said that he did want to marry me after all, and he still loved me, he would still complain all the time about his loss of independence and youth. And he refused to talk about the wedding. He didn’t seem to appreciate at all the fact that I was entering into this military life that I didn’t want at all just for him. And he didn’t start treating me any better.

When he was home this past week I got really upset with him. His mom called to ask him to do something for her, and he jumped right to it. I flew off the handle. Dumb I know, but I just felt so fed up with the fact that he couldn’t do a single damned thing for me, but for his mom it was no problem (let’s not get into the whole mother-son thing, it could have been anybody, it just happened to be his mom). And he admitted it. To my face. That he didn’t treat me well. He said even his mom had said something to him. About how he treats me. I don’t know why I treat you like this,  as if he couldn’t do anything about it.

Then yesterday. I found something out. What? Well, that’s not important. What’s important is that it hurt me very much (probably more that it needed to, but, well that’s life I guess). He didn’t cheat or anything like that. But he did hurt me. He was on base, and I knew I couldn’t call him. I sent out a slew of angry texts though. I waited for lunch when I knew he’d have time to check them, and, as I figured, would immediately call me. And he did. And I told him I was breaking up with him. It’s not that this one thing was so terrible (it was bad, but not that bad), just that it was the last straw. For well over a year I stood around as he hemmed and hawed about whether or not he really wanted to be with me. I stood by him as he acted like he didn’t care about me at all. I lied to my friends and family so they wouldn’t think poorly about him. I acted like it was ok he refused to even begin the teeny tiniest plans for a wedding. I even said that I would give up my biggest dream, more children. I put up with all his shit.

But I was done. Anyone who follows my twitter would have seen me make 2 very brief tweets.

He immediately started begging me not to leave. Which was different. I had threatened to leave a couple times before, during the summer, when he wasn’t sure if he loved me. And he’d always pretty much say I need to do what I need to do. Or whatever will make me happy. But yesterday was different. I’ve never heard him like this. and I know, I know, dumb guys always say these things, and dumb girls always belive them, but I really believe him. He’s never begged me to stay before. He told me he was willing to do anything to prove to me his love. (I know, I know, that’s what they all say)

All through this argument discussion a snowstorm descended and the weather got worse and worse. So I stayed an extra night. And we curled up together in his sister’s twin bed, and I couldn’t help but feel we’d turned a corner.

So. We’re together. And we’ll stay together, so long as his attitude really does change (and I believe it will). So long as he starts to treat me more like he did in the beginning. More like the boy I fell in love with. If not, well we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, but I really don’t think we’ll have to.

It’s the Weekend…

But it doesn’t feel like it. The last 2 months of boot camp Pte Goof was home almost every single weekend. But now he’s in Manitoba, so it’s not like I can just drive out there and pick him up for a couple nights. So it doesn’t feel like the weekend and I miss him.

My best friend (who I vow will have a nickname soon here) is coming over today. And this may make me a horrible person but I don’t want her to. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’d just rather hang out here with Squirt and just be. I avoid her all the time. Which drives her crazy because she hates it when she calls and you don’t call her back within 10 minutes. She’s one of those people who feel like since you have a cell phone you should always be ready and waiting to take her calls and texts. and I’m just not like that. I don’t like being available 100% of the time. Sometimes I don’t want people to be able to get a hold of me. And the fact that she gets so upset when I don’t call her back right away makes me often ignore her calls for days in a row. Why do I do this? I don’t know. but I do.

So there you have it. I’m awful.

Hello Out There

Hey everyone, just wanted to let you know that once again, I’m not dead. Sorry for the total absenteeism lately. Soon I’ll be back to posting a little more often. We’ve been so crazy busy lately. I’ve only been home 1 out of the last 4 weeks. I’m very sick of visiting and sleeping in other people’s beds and trying to get Squirt to sleep in strange places. Sigh, I’m done complaining now.

Anywho, hope all’s well with you guys, and I’ll be home late Saturday night (actually early Sunday morning is more likely) so after I recuperate I’ll be back 🙂