Ok. So here’s a couple sentances that I think I have heard almost every single parent say. ‘I never knew how much I could love somebody until I had my baby’. ‘I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea how hard’. ‘I never realized how amazing it is to watch a tiny baby become a person’. Or any of the infinite variations of these words.
Not a single one of them applies to me.
I don’t know if it’s all the time I spent with kids beforehand or what. I mean, I know that I’m not the only parent who did tons of baby sitting before their own little one came along, but really, I have had very, very few surprises as a parent (after, you know, unplanned pregnancy and him showing up 4 weeks early when Pte Goof and I didn’t have his room ready or even a name picked out yet lol).
When I first held Squirt and snuggled his tiny body to my chest and fell deeply in love with my baby, who still had no name, I never ever thought to myself Wow, who knew I could feel this way. Sure. It was a love unlike any love I had ever known, but it didn’t surprise me. The depth of emotion that this tiny bundle inspired in my very soul felt like it was always there, waiting. He just let it out.
When Squirt was too little because he was born early and his tiny body couldn’t stay awake to feed and we had such a hard time getting nursing under way I never felt surprised that he didn’t just latch on. Part of me was expecting trouble. I was hoping that we would get to breast-feeding with few problems, but I had heard of so many moms having so much trouble in the beginning, I half expected I would too.
When Squirt was just born and not sleeping and up all night and feeding every single hour all day long and pooping just about every second, sure it was hard. It was so hard. But I never thought to myself, OMG I had no idea it would be like this. Not even a wow, this is harder than I thought. It all felt like, well it’s a baby, this what babies do. (Not that I didn’t completely lose it at times, oh trust me, I did, just I expected to lose it haha).
Seeing how amazing it is to watch Squirt grow into this funny little person doesn’t surprise me either. Sure, the kid surprises me every single day with some funny dance or new word, or new mess to get into, or new habit, or greater understanding of everything around him. But the process, and how incredible it all is… no surprise. It’s wonderful. Amazing. The best thing I have ever witnessed, but I always knew that watching my own child grow and change would be this spectacular.
I’m not trying to brag here. It’s certainly not like I have the answers or anything. I have plenty of insecurities as a parent. There are so many things that scare and worry me. It just has never been a moment of shock for me. Maybe that’s why when people ask me how I’m enjoying motherhood, my immediate answer is always, ‘I love it, I was born to be a mom.’
So have I gotten the wrong impression? Because it feels like every parent I talk to or have read talks about how much surprise there was for them in becoming a parent. Do many parents feel this surprise, or just the ones I know?
I wasn’t sure about posting this, and even as I’m posting it, I’m still not sure. I really don’t want to sound like I’m bragging. I don’t want to sound all self-confident, there are a million and one things that I’m terrified about when it comes to parenthood, it just doesn’t surprise me