I wish I was funny.
I always have. As a kid I always wanted to be the one to make to group laugh. The one with the witty replies and snappy comebacks. The one who always had the funniest spin on their stories. But I’m not. I mean, I get my friends to chuckle every now and then. I can make Miss Stiles break out in great big peals of laughter, but she’s a laugh slut, so that’s no big accomplishment.
These days I specifically wish I had a funny blog. I love bloggers like her, and her, and her, and her, because they make me laugh (sometimes to the point of tears). I wish I had this flair for the funny. (So many of these bloggers are wonderful story tellers and great at emotional writing too, talent hogs!) I wish I could sit down at my keyboard and tap out some story about what Squirt did or Pte Goof said that would have your sides ache. Sadly I don’t have that talent. So you can come here and mostly listen to me whine.
And that’s OK. I mean, I started this blog to find some community. And I’ve definitely found that. 🙂
So after yesterday’s post, I’ve been thinking and it brought me to a slightly shocking realization. I mean shocking to me. Ever since Pte Goof and I started dating and he told me he was going to join the military I have been absolutely dreading the moving. There are a few reasons for this (which I’m sure are obvious, but I’m going to talk about them anyways).
I lived in the same house from the time I was a year and a half old until I moved in with Goof just before Squirt was born. I lived for just 8 months away from home at university, but really, I’ve only live in one place. Pte Goof and I live just 10 minutes from my childhood home (It’s just in the next town). So I have never really moved. Certainly not far. I’m scared to move away. I’m such a scaredy-cat when it comes to change. There’s a good chance that Goof will be stationed in Alberta when he’s finished his course. A.l.b.e.r.t.a. The thought of being so far away from everyone I know frightens me.
Also, I don’t want Squirt to not be able to see his grandparents. Both my parents and my MIL live within a 10 minute drive now. We see them roughly weekly. My own grandparents (and even a good chunk of my extended family) all live within an hour and a half drive. It’s a doable distance for an afternoon visit. I don’t want Squirt to miss out on seeing his grand parents. I don’t want to always be a flight away. Grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandchildren (and let me tell you, his grandparents all love to!). I know that they can still have a great relationship from across the country. especially these days when there’s so much technology. But it’s not the same.
And I don’t like being told what to do. Never have (I would pretty much make the worst soldier ever for like a million reasons, but this is a big one). I hate that for the 20+ years I won’t be able to choose where Pte Goof and I will live. I don’t get to choose where I will raise my son. It makes me angry just thinking about it (yeah, I may have some authority issues…). I don’t want to have to go where they tell us. I don’t like that they have to power to up and move us to another continent if they so desire. I mean, yes I have to choice to stay behind, but you know, it’s like yesterday, what kind of choice is that. Move away from everything or not live with Pte Goof…
But the point of this post is not to complain about all the reasons I don’t want to move. This post is about what I realized yesterday. I realized that in some small way (even though all the above things are still true) I’m slightly looking forward to moving. (I’m actually finding this a little hard to admit, you can add ‘stubborn’ to ‘problems with authority’ haha). I’m kind of looking forward to living on base and actually getting to know a few milspouses so I can get a little more support than ‘it’s your choice’. There’s just no way to understand unless you’re living it yourself, and being off base (and not even anywhere near one) it’s kind of hard to meet other people living it. I hear very good things about the military community, and lately I’ve felt like I kind of need that support.
This really surprised me, but I guess it’s good, I don’t dread everything.
This is the absolute most annoying phrase to me. This phrase makes me so mad these days. It’s usually preceded by ‘Yeah but’…
Listen friends (a little aside, this post is directed at a few of my friends I know in person, all you lovely bloggy ladies have been nothing but sportive), I know that I chose this. I know that I made the decision to have Pte Goof away all the time, and to have to move God knows where, and to have Squirt hardly see him, and to have to face future deployments, and all the endless list of grievances. I know that I made that choice (even if I was kind of tossed into it).
But the fact that I chose this doesn’t make it much easier (I have to admit had I been forced to do this not of my own free will I’d have a harder time yet). It wasn’t like I said to Pte Goof, ‘You know what would be awesome, if you knocked me up the buggered off to join the army’. And sometimes I need to complain about it. Sometimes I just need you to listen and nod along and say ‘Yeah, it must suck’.
I know it must be annoying and redundant to have me complain once again about how much I miss him. Or how hard it is to parent Squirt all by myself. Or how much I hate the drive to go see him. Or how I’m so not looking forward to moving wherever the army tell me. Or how expensive it is for him to come home. Or, or, or. I’m sure it gets tedious at times. But I listen to you tell me for the millionth time how much you want to loose weight. Or how much you wish you had a girl/boyfriend. Or how you can’t stand living with your parents one more day. I could just say, ‘well that’s your choice’ and dismiss you like you do me. I could say ‘get your ass to a gym’ ‘get out and meet people once in a while’ ‘then move out already’ and tell you it’s your choice to be where you are. But I don’t. I listen and say ‘oh yeah, that sucks’ because that’s sometimes what you need to hear.
I don’t need to be reminded that my own choices got me here. I know that. I know that everything going on in my life is what Pte Goof and I have made decisions about. I know this. You don’t need to tell me.
Sorry about the negative post. I had intentions of writing about something else entirely until last night once again when I was just looking for a little sympathy all I get from my friends is ‘yeah, but, it’s your choice’. -F
So Hello there.
I’ve been gone SO long, I know. And it wasn’t even announced. I’m sorry. Forgive me?
So what has happened since I blogged last? Well tons and at the same time nothing at all. There hasn’t been too much that I felt blog worthy as of last (part of the reason for all the silence). I’ve visited Pte Goof twice, and he’s come home twice since then (I know, we’ve seen so much of him lately! It’s been awesome!). Squirt’s growing like crazy. We’re at the point that anyone who sees little kids regularly upon finding out how old is he say ‘Wow, he sure is tall!’ (which my mom says she got all the time when I was a his age, and I’m pretty tall now). Pte Goof and I went to a stag and doe of some mutual friends, and I got completely hammered. Like the drunkest I have ever been in my entire life. I made a fool of myself. Hmm… but that’s about it.
Goof just came home for the long weekend. The weather was gorgeous and we had an absolutely lovely weekend. I just got back from dropping him off where he was meeting his friend for a ride back (yay for that, save us the $60 bus and $20 cab it takes for him to get back to base! both ways!!). Poor squirt. He’s starting to get it. He’s beginning to understand that when we say ‘bye-bye’ to daddy it’ll be a long time before we see him again. He cried and cried as Pte Goof drove away. Broke my heart twice. Once cause he was leaving, once cause it made Squirt so sad.
I’ll try to be back again soon! I don’t know what it is, when I’ve been away a while it’s so hard to start again… but once I’m here it’s like, wow! I’ve missed this!!