Hello there! Bet you thought that this was going to become one of those blogs so many people start, write a few posts and then promptly forget all about. Well it’s not yet so I’m here. Sorry for the lack of posts, to be honest I just haven’t had any desire to write.
When I was very first pregnant I remember this very specific moment. I was at my boss’ house (I used to live with them part-time because it was a very informal workplace, and had EARLY mornings, and I had a half hour drive). I was there all by myself, I think they were out shopping or something. My period wasn’t late or anything, and I had no reason to think that I may be pregnant. And I remember walking from the bathroom to the guest room where I stayed, and they had this really ugly 1970’s dresser with a big long mirror across the top. I glanced at myself as I walked by and for no apparent reason I thought to myself ‘I wonder if I’m pregnant’. Now, I have no IDEA why I thought that. I mean, I didn’t look any different that usual. My boobs weren’t any bigger (although that changed by the next week), I hadn’t gained any weight. I didn’t feel any different. And yet, there it was, this tiny little thought that popped up from nowhere.
I don’t remember anything about that day except that very moment.
I brushed it off right away, I couldn’t be pregnant! But deep down I think I knew I could be. For nearly 8 months we had used the ‘pull out and pray’ method combined with anal. Ha! YEP! that was our birth control plan. We used condoms at first, but Pte Goof has a mild allergy to latex, and when he uses one he’s all itchy down there for days. So it didn’t take us long to use them less and less. And before you knew it we never used one. I think we only ever bought like 2 packages of them before we stopped using them all together. And, no I wasn’t on the pill. Because I was too embarrassed to talk to my family doctor (which btw, I’m totally over after all the shit you go through with your doc when preggers and during delivery). And then! the geniuses we are, we started playing with the rhythm method as well. I’m surprise we didn’t get pregnant sooner!
I’m not really sure how long after that day I was due to get my period. You see, ever since I’d first gotten it (at nearly 15!) it had been incredibly irregular. I mean the first three years I had my period I didn’t get it once during the summer (call me a bitch, it’s ok, if it makes you feel better when I do get it it’s horrendous). So I’d never really kept close tabs on it because there was no point, I had no idea when it was going to show up anyway. Plus the fact that I was not sexually active all through high school, not at all until I was 20. Yep, 20, so for the longest time a late or missed period didn’t mean anything to me. When I decided to make Pte. Goof the one to ‘take my flower’ (any other F.R.I.E.N.D.S fans out there?) I don’t know if it was the hormones of all the sex (and let me tell you, it was a LOT) or what but I had become a little more regular. My periods were always 4-6 weeks apart. Instead of like 3 weeks – 4 months. But I do remember realizing that it had been a while since I’d gotten it.
Another moment I remember very vividly is the one when I first brought this up to Pte Goof. We were driving just outside of town in my beater car on the way to drop him off at his mom’s house (at this point we were both still living with our parents). I remember exactly where on the road we were. I road we had driven a zillion times, it was like 1 minute away from his mom’s. And I chose this to be the moment to change his life. Why then? I don’t know, but that’s when I did. We had talked a million times, quite hypothetically, about what would happen if I got pregnant. I don’t know why we talked about it so much. Probably because we knew we were playing with fire. Conversations that went along the lines of ‘well just so you know, abortion is NOT an option for me’ and ‘I’d never leave you’ ‘support you through it all’. But this was all hypothetical. This was not real life big time stuff. This night, however, it was different. I said something kinda like, ‘so you’d really stay with me if I were’. And he once again promised that ‘of course’. And I said, “well I just mentioned it because my period’s late”. I don’t remember how he reacted. Probably because I couldn’t look at him. But I’m pretty sure he stayed really calm. At least on the outside. Who knows what he was thinking inside. That weekend I had been sick with an infection. A really nasty one, and I right away played it all down “it’s probably just late because I’ve been sick. Stuff like this always messes up my cycle. I just thought you should know.”
I have no idea what else we talked about before I dropped him off. I don’t remember a single other detail of that night. Where we had gone out. If I was dropping him off to head home or to sleep at my boss’. Nothing. But that moment I remember so well.
I guess some things stand out crystal clear because in the end they’re life altering.