Monthly Archives: October 2009

The Moment my Life Changed (AKA Where I may Just Share a LITTLE too Much!)

Hello there! Bet you thought that this was going to become one of those blogs so many people start, write a few posts and then promptly forget all about. Well it’s not yet so I’m here. Sorry for the lack of posts, to be  honest I just haven’t had any desire to write.

When I was very first pregnant I remember this very specific moment. I was at my boss’  house (I used to live with them part-time because it was a very informal workplace, and had EARLY mornings, and I had a half hour drive). I was there all by myself, I think they were out shopping or something. My period wasn’t late or anything, and I had no reason to think that I may be pregnant. And I remember walking from the bathroom to the guest room where I stayed, and they had this really ugly 1970’s dresser with a big long mirror across the top. I glanced at myself as I walked by and for no apparent reason I thought to myself ‘I wonder if I’m pregnant’. Now, I have no IDEA why I thought that. I mean, I didn’t look any different that usual. My boobs weren’t any bigger (although that changed by the next week), I hadn’t gained any weight. I didn’t feel any different. And yet, there it was, this tiny little thought that popped up from nowhere.

I don’t remember anything about that day except that very moment.

I brushed it off right away, I couldn’t be pregnant! But deep down I think I knew I could be. For nearly 8 months we had used the ‘pull out and pray’ method combined with anal. Ha! YEP! that was our birth control plan. We used condoms at first, but Pte Goof has a mild allergy to latex, and when he uses one he’s all itchy down there for days. So it didn’t take us long to use them less and less. And before you knew it we never used one. I think we only ever bought like 2 packages of them before we stopped using them all together. And, no I wasn’t on the pill. Because I was too embarrassed to talk to my family doctor (which btw, I’m totally over after all the shit you go through with your doc when preggers and during delivery). And then! the geniuses we are, we started playing with the rhythm method as well. I’m surprise we didn’t get pregnant sooner!

I’m not really sure how long after that day I was due to get my period. You see, ever since I’d first gotten it (at nearly 15!) it had been incredibly irregular. I mean the first three years I had my period I didn’t get it once during the summer (call me a bitch, it’s ok, if it makes you feel better when I do get it it’s horrendous). So I’d never really kept close tabs on it because there was no point, I had no idea when it was going to show up anyway. Plus the fact that I was not sexually active all through high school, not at all until I was 20. Yep, 20, so for the longest time a late or missed period didn’t mean anything to me. When I decided to make Pte. Goof the one to ‘take my flower’ (any other F.R.I.E.N.D.S fans out there?) I don’t know if it was the hormones of all the sex (and let me tell you, it was a LOT) or what but I had become a little more regular. My periods were always 4-6 weeks apart. Instead of like 3 weeks – 4 months. But I do remember realizing that it had been a while since I’d gotten it.

Another moment I remember very vividly is the one when I first brought this up to Pte Goof. We were driving just outside of town in my beater car on the way to drop him off at his mom’s house (at this point we were both still living with our parents). I remember exactly where on the road we were. I road we had driven a zillion times, it was like 1 minute away from his mom’s. And I chose this to be the moment to change his life. Why then? I don’t know, but that’s when I did. We had talked a million times, quite hypothetically, about what would happen if I got pregnant. I don’t know why we talked about it so much. Probably because we knew we were playing with fire. Conversations that went along the lines of ‘well just so you know, abortion is NOT an option for me’ and ‘I’d never leave you’ ‘support you through it all’. But this was all hypothetical. This was not real life big time stuff. This night, however, it was different. I said something kinda like, ‘so you’d really stay with me if I were’. And he once again promised that ‘of course’. And I said, “well I just mentioned it because my period’s late”. I don’t remember how he reacted. Probably because I couldn’t look at him. But I’m pretty sure he stayed really calm. At least on the outside. Who knows what he was thinking inside. That weekend I had been sick with an infection. A really nasty one, and I right away played it all down “it’s probably just late because I’ve been sick. Stuff like this always messes up my cycle. I just thought you should know.”

I have no idea what else we talked about before I dropped him off. I don’t remember a single other detail of that night. Where we had gone out. If I was dropping him off to head home or to sleep at my boss’. Nothing. But that moment I remember so well.

I guess some things stand out crystal clear because in the end they’re life altering.

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Every Shade of Blue

Remember that song? It’s on ‘Dance Mix ’96’ one of my all time fav albums EVER!

Ok, so I haven’t been completely honest with you guys, but it was all in the name of anonymity I swear! Pte Goof actually proposed to me over a year ago. We were finances.  But then just before he left when we had all this trouble, he kinda said he didn’t want to marry me. Or rather, even worse I “wasn’t the kind of person he wanted to marry” So he kinda left without a clear definition. So tonight I asked him “when you talk to people, I know that most of the time you refer to me as ‘the wife’ but when you’re being really serious, what do you call me?”  and he said “well I always call you the wife”. so I said, “but if you weren’t calling me that, what would you call me? your financee or your girlfriend?” and he was still all like “well I call you ‘the wife'”  And I said, “ok, but if you were talking to ‘the officer’ (his bff, future OPP) what would you call me?” and he’s like “Fable” and I’m like “ok, but if he said something, or asked, would you call me your girlfriend or your fiancee” and here’s where he just killed me “well I’d say you’re my girlfriend,  just as you are” Internet, I ask you, why am I still waiting around for this? I’ve been calling him my fiance all this time to everyone so nobody would judge him, but apparently he doesn’t think that that is what he is. WHY AM I STILL HERE? I sit here, bottle of rum at my side (I don’t do this often, and don’t worry, in 4 hours when I need to feed the Squirt, I’ll give him formula instead of bfing, so I don’t poison him) crying my eyes out. Why can he not just love me like he used to? why can he not just love me like I love him? Oh my fucking God, why the hell is this so damn hard?!?!

Seriously?

Ok, so… he didn’t get Thanksgiving weekend off, but then they said they could have this coming weekend off. Except for a handful of guys who get to stay there, even though it’s THEIR WEEKEND OFF to pretty much baby-sit whoever is still on base. Guess who was chosen. I mean, seriously, these guys are supposed to be defending our country. We’re HANDING THEM GUNS, and they can’t watch themselves? No, no, we’ll just pick a few of them who are still training and decide THEY can watch things. ON THEIR WEEKEND OFF. I’m just a little pissed if you haven’t noticed. Damn Military. Seriously. I didn’t sign up for this shit.

Thanksgiving

Well I found out on Thursday that Pte Goof doesn’t get to come home this weekend. It’s pretty stupid because now he gets to sit on base and twiddle his thumbs for three days while everyone who runs his program is off for THEIR long weekend. I’m not looking forward to this. A whole life of having THEM decide what holidays we can and can’t spend together as a family. It just sucks.

I’m sure anyone who actually reads this blog is thinking that I do nothing but complain. But that’s not true. That’s not who I normally am. It’s just that this blog came out of a time (right now) when I was (am) feeling bad about my life and I need to complain, and there are certain things that I cannot complain to my friends and family about. So yes, now, all I do here is complain. But if anyone is actually reading this and they just bear with me it will get better. That’s not to say that I’m going to stop complianing. I’m still going to be pissed that I ended up a military wife (well, gf, but anyway). I’m just saying that eventually, when things aren’t as chaotic in my head, you will see the funnier, sillier side of my life. You’ll see me talk about the little squirt and all the lovely, silly, amazing things he does.

Just bear with me.

SIGH

Well I hate the military. Really I do. Go ahead and yell at me, that’s fine. Have your oppinion. I have mine, and I know a lot of people have the opposite oppinion. So go ahead. But that’s just how it is.

It’s not that I hate the people in the military. The brave men and women who put their lives on the line for complete strangers. The people who value things like peace and their country higher than themselves. Those poeple are truly heros.

It’s more the institution of the military. The military that will only let Pte Goof talk to me for ten minutes at a time so we can never have a REAL conversation. And the military that doesn’t tell him if he has this weekend off or not. So I COULD be seeing him tomorrow, or not for weeks yet. I don’t know. And the military that makes him feel like all these things are more important than me. And our son.

Letters

So I got a letter from Pte Goof. I real letter in the mail dont-cha-know! And it was actually somewhat sweet. He called me by my pet name, and said he missed me, and that he’s really beginning to appreciate all the things I do for him. But there’s one but. One pretty big but if you ask me. He never said “I love you” in the whole letter. I mean, he very easily could have just not thought to write that. He’s forgetful like that. But being as he’s questioning everything for me that’s a glaring omission! I write him letters all the time, and I never fail to say I miss him and I love him. One sided once again.

Accepting it

So, I am STARTING to get used to it. I mean, him being gone. It’s like living in an alternate world though. Just me and Squirt. It’s interesting having nobody but a baby to talk to all day. I mean, I have friends, and the internet, but it’s not the same as having Pte Goof here. And it’s doubly lonely since I don’t know if once he finishes if he’ll actually come home or not. It’s so nerve-wracking. Having the love of your life and father of your child  not know if he wants to be with you or not. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m getting used to it, but it’s not getting easier and I’m very lonely!