Monthly Archives: February 2010

Well Then

Wow. What a trip.

Pte Goof had to go back to his posting on Tues. We decided to go all together, and Squirt and I stayed at Goof’s sister’s place, which was empty, because she’s home for reading week. Our original plan was to come home last night (late, so Squirt would sleep through the 4 hour drive, and there would be less traffic, because it’s almost all city driving, which I hate, hate, hate, but I digress). Instead we drove home this morning, and guys, I nearly came home a single woman.

I’m not going to go into all the nitty-gritty. I just don’t want to open myself up to the criticism that we would likely receive. But here’s a little short version. A Cole’s notes if you wish.

So. Pte Goof had always been an amazing boyfriend and lover. He was attentive and caring and made me feel wonderful about myself. I knew just a few months into the relationship that he was the man I wanted to marry. We had already talked about marriage, and Pte Goof had even bought me a promise ring that he was going to give to me before he left for boot camp the first time.

Before he gave it to me (but after he had bought it) I took that fateful test. I really didn’t want him to leave me to join the military when I was pregnant, but he kept insisting he needed to, and that it was now even for the baby because of the financial stability it would provide. He left and I cried and cried and cried every single day (thank you crazy pregnancy hormones!). After 5 weeks he decided he couldn’t bear being away from me, and came home.

In November we finally found an apartment and moved in together.

Long story slightly less long, He decided to go back, and I convinced him to wait until after the baby arrived. I’ll be honest, I was hoping and praying that the sight of his new baby would make him change his mind. No such luck. shortly after Squirt arrived (less than 2 weeks, just 2 days before Christmas) Pte Goof lost someone very, very dear to him to cancer.

And he just snapped.

I mean. People need time to grieve. I would never deny that. And I gave him time. I gave him oodles of time. But he just couldn’t get over it. The baby that put a stop to our partying. The switch from living with his mom to living with his fiance and being a parent. The somewhat sudden loss of someone so dear. All so close together.

And I guess I was the easiest person to take it out on. Don’t get me wrong guys. It’s not like he was ever horrible to me. He never abused me or anything like that. He wasn’t even bad to me (99% of the time). It’s just that he was no longer good to me.

He slowly got over what I can only assume was depression. He worked his way back to normal. But things between us didn’t really get better. We were caught in this whirlwind of life. We had to grow up so fast. And let me tell you, Pte Goof was not ready to be a parent. Not that I’m anywhere near perfect, but kids just come naturally to me. Pte Goof however… well he has decided he hates kids. I mean he loves Squirt. Loves him to death. But he doesn’t want more now (we used to talk about having kids not kid). And I want more. He decided he couldn’t marry me anymore. He moved back in with his mom for a bit.

Even once he came around and said that he did want to marry me after all, and he still loved me, he would still complain all the time about his loss of independence and youth. And he refused to talk about the wedding. He didn’t seem to appreciate at all the fact that I was entering into this military life that I didn’t want at all just for him. And he didn’t start treating me any better.

When he was home this past week I got really upset with him. His mom called to ask him to do something for her, and he jumped right to it. I flew off the handle. Dumb I know, but I just felt so fed up with the fact that he couldn’t do a single damned thing for me, but for his mom it was no problem (let’s not get into the whole mother-son thing, it could have been anybody, it just happened to be his mom). And he admitted it. To my face. That he didn’t treat me well. He said even his mom had said something to him. About how he treats me. I don’t know why I treat you like this,  as if he couldn’t do anything about it.

Then yesterday. I found something out. What? Well, that’s not important. What’s important is that it hurt me very much (probably more that it needed to, but, well that’s life I guess). He didn’t cheat or anything like that. But he did hurt me. He was on base, and I knew I couldn’t call him. I sent out a slew of angry texts though. I waited for lunch when I knew he’d have time to check them, and, as I figured, would immediately call me. And he did. And I told him I was breaking up with him. It’s not that this one thing was so terrible (it was bad, but not that bad), just that it was the last straw. For well over a year I stood around as he hemmed and hawed about whether or not he really wanted to be with me. I stood by him as he acted like he didn’t care about me at all. I lied to my friends and family so they wouldn’t think poorly about him. I acted like it was ok he refused to even begin the teeny tiniest plans for a wedding. I even said that I would give up my biggest dream, more children. I put up with all his shit.

But I was done. Anyone who follows my twitter would have seen me make 2 very brief tweets.

He immediately started begging me not to leave. Which was different. I had threatened to leave a couple times before, during the summer, when he wasn’t sure if he loved me. And he’d always pretty much say I need to do what I need to do. Or whatever will make me happy. But yesterday was different. I’ve never heard him like this. and I know, I know, dumb guys always say these things, and dumb girls always belive them, but I really believe him. He’s never begged me to stay before. He told me he was willing to do anything to prove to me his love. (I know, I know, that’s what they all say)

All through this argument discussion a snowstorm descended and the weather got worse and worse. So I stayed an extra night. And we curled up together in his sister’s twin bed, and I couldn’t help but feel we’d turned a corner.

So. We’re together. And we’ll stay together, so long as his attitude really does change (and I believe it will). So long as he starts to treat me more like he did in the beginning. More like the boy I fell in love with. If not, well we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, but I really don’t think we’ll have to.

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Leave

So! he got his leave! I still don’t know if he’s going to bus it home tonight or tomorrow. Apparently he has a meeting tonight that he’s trying to get out of, but he may have to go.  Either way… he’s coming home to visit!! I Can’t wait!

So, I’ll be a little busy for the next little bit. Today I’m a busy beaver cleaning top to bottom (I know, how Step-ford am I?) and then Pte Goof will be home (for the first time in over a month) and I’ll be busy with… other things 😉

p.s. Squirt is just not having anything today. He is one cranky little boy! Here’s hoping he cheers up before his daddy comes home!!

Do You Scrapbook?

This was the question asked me today in the grocery store. Potentially leading to a friendship…

Squirt and I just got back from grocery shopping. It was super busy, especially for 2:00 on a Tuesday. He was being a little monster. He has no use for carts right now because he just wants to walk. But OMG squirt loose in the grocery store? I don’t think so. So I’m trying to get my shopping done so I can, you know, feed us, and he is shrieking at the top of his lungs. Not crying, just yelling. Loudly. Incredibly.

So by the time he and I get to the cash register we’re both so fed up with each other. Me because I think he may have made 5 different people temporarily deaf. He because he just didn’t want to be in that cart anymore dammit. The line was long since it was so busy today. There was a mother and her little girl ahead of us. The mom looked a little older than me, maybe just a couple of years. She started talking to the little girl about the baby boy behind her, don’t you want to say hi to the cute little boy? The little girl was reluctant, being shy as little ones tend to be. Looking back now, I wonder if the mom was purposely trying to start a conversation to talk to me. The equivalent of using your kid as a wing man in the mommy friend world lol.

Eventually the little girl turned around, and as the mom lead the conversation she the three of us (the mom, the little girl, and I, since Squirt isn’t quite verbal yet) learned the kids names and ages. The little girl’s turning 3 next month.

I didn’t really think about it, I was just glad that there was something to distract Squirt from the fact that he was still strapped into that damn cart. and let me tell you, if anything’s going to distract him it’s a cute girl (he’s definitely his father’s child lol). The mom put her items through, paid, and started to bag her groceries. Our kids began to make faces at each other and giggled. I put my items through, paid, and was bagging, assuming the mom and little girl were already on their way out of the store. When suddenly I hear her say ‘Do you scrapbook’? I was so surprised. What a random question! From a woman I figured I’d never see again. I said why yes, I love to scrapbook. So she asked to exchange numbers since our kids like each other so much.

So there you have it guys. I may have a mommy friend. For some reason this makes me a little nervous (I’m not sure why), but excited

Fingers Crossed

Pte Goof is back in Ontario. He’s not home, but at least the distance between us is drivable. He’s on PAT (private awaiting training) right now, so he’s going to ask for a week’s leave to come home and see us! We haven’t seen him in a month so we’re really hoping he can come home! There shouldn’t really be any reason for him not to. If he gets it I’ll go pick him up from the bus stop tomorrow night or thursday morning! I’m so excited! Pte Goof is going to be absolutely blown away when he sees how much Squirt has grown and how much more he can do now!

Speaking of what Squirt can do now the other day I taught him to give high fives. It’s the cutest thing ever. Usually when you say give me five he gives you about 3 high fives. Man that kid’s adorable.

Vday

I‘ve always hated valentines day. Well not always when I was really little I loved giving and receiving those little cards with princesses or ninja turtles on them at school. (I’ve since come to realise that had we not had the rule, you bring cards for everyone or no one, I wouldn’t have gotten very many, and my hate for valentine’s day would probably have started even earlier). But for years I’ve hated the day. Single or otherwise.

For a long time I was one of those ‘it’s so commercial’ blah blah blah people. I made the one highschool boyfriend I had on the day promise he wouldn’t get me anything. I was the girl who without fail wore all black on valentine’s day. ‘I don’t need the card companies to remind me to tell my loved ones I love them’.

Since then I’ve become less angry about it. It’s just another day. I was releived when before our first valentines day Pte Goof agreed that he’s not really into it either. Our first valentines day I didn’t even see him. He worked and I babysat my boss’s son so they could go out for dinner. Our second valentines day I was home with our new little baby, and he was off work with his busted hand. I don’t even remember the day. We didn’t do anything special. And that was fine by me.

This year?  This year it’s just another reason to remind me I’m apart from Pte Goof.

The Old Life

A mutual friend of Pte Goof and I tagged me in an old picture on Facebook today. The picture’s been there for ages (almost 2 years), and I’ve seen it before, but the fact that he just tagged me (and made a comment) brought it to my attention again. It’s nothing special really. Just about 50 (ok, 5) of us piled on a couch. A bunch of boys and me (a common occurence back then). I’m hammered, and clearly enjoying myself.

I figure that picture was taken within a week or two of when I got pregnant.

It’s so crazy to look at that picture now. Looking at my face. At that moment I had no idea that within weeks, maybe just days there would be a baby growing inside me. A few of the people at the party (who noticed Pte Goof and I disappeared for a bit lol) have joked that Squirt was probably conceived there (not true, but close).

I miss it guys. I do. I love being a mom. I love hanging out with Squirt. I love trying to be the housewife. I love watching the little guy grow. I love doing all the mom things. But I miss it. I miss partying. I miss driving 3 hours just for one night of drinking (as was the case the night of this picture). I miss dropping money on booze and eating out like it was no big deal. I miss being care free.

I have days where I can’t believe this is where I am. I’m a mom to a toddler. I’m engaged. I’m a military spouse. The last 2 years since that picture were taken have just flown by. So quick I can hardly catch my breath.

A Little More You

Let me preface this post by telling you guys that, yes, I listen to country. I spent nearly 20 years of my life adamantly claiming that I couldn’t stand it, but now, now I’ve learned just how wonderful country is. And for anybody who doesn’t listen to country, let me just tell you it’s not all ‘my girl left, my truck broke down, my dog died’ (which Pte Goof always claims it is).

Anyway, a while ago while I was pregnant with Squirt my best friend (who FINALLY has her own name here, Miss Stiles, because my mom always says she reminds her of Julia Stiles) and I went to go see Carrie Underwood. She is one of our very favourite artists ever. The two of us love nothing more than to tear down a dirt road with Carrie Underwood on full blast singing at the top of our lungs!! Anyway, Miss Stiles and I went to her concert and Little Big Town was opening (who have actually been around a lot longer than Carrie Underwood, but they were still just breaking through). I knew their big song Boondocks (which I love!), but that was about it. My goodness they were so much fun! I totally enjoyed their live show! They were so fresh and fun on stage! And boy were they Southern! (and Karen had on my dream boots, purple thigh high leather stilettoes yum!!)

So, I’ve since explored their music a bit, and I really wanted to share this video with you guys today. and if you don’t like country, well tough shit, 😉 They’ve disabled imbedding, so if you really want to see it, I’m afraid you actually have to make the effort to click here. Enjoy.

p.s. I’d like to point out that when I spellchecked this entry, there was only one error! I’m a dork, I know, but that made me smile 🙂