Monthly Archives: April 2010

Guilt

I’m sure we’ve all heard about the working mom who feels guilty for doing so. Not that all working moms do, or even that they should, but often a mom who works outside the home carries around the guilt of missing out things with their children. They miss milestones, smiles, cuddles. I think a mom who can juggle a career and children is an amazing woman! I’m not sure I could do it to be honest.

But I’ve had a different kind of guilt lately. Because I am home. I don’t miss anything. I’ve been by Squirts side pretty much since the moment he was born. I’m lucky that we can (just) afford to do this. Pte Goof and I have decided that as long as it works, I can stay home. But I feel guilty for staying home. If I were to work, we could afford more. If I were to work we could go out more often. If I were to work I could spoil Squirt a little more. If I worked, we’d save up for a wedding and a house quicker.

I guess it’s a classic grass is always greener on the other side type deal. You go to work you feel guilty for how much your kids miss out on you. You stay home you feel guilty for how much your kids miss out in other advantages. And it’s not just about stupid stuff that doesn’t matter. Money can’t buy you happiness, but I sometimes feel like maybe I’m doing Squirt a disservice by staying home instead of it being good for him.

And I know. Money is only money, and stuff is only stuff. There will be plenty of time for these things later on. There’s no replacing this amazing time in Squirt’s life. I know all this. This is why I am home. But I still feel like all these ways that I have to be so careful with our money in some ways isn’t fair to Squirt.

And in some ways Pte Goof too. He grew up in a family where, although they weren’t rich, they pretty much bought what they wanted when they wanted. Going from that (and a mother who, although making him get a job and earn money, taught him no money management or how to save) to being out on our own with a kid a little money has been a hard transition for him. I’m a saver. I really am. If I can save a buck, you bet I will. But I grew up this way. So it hasn’t been so hard for me. Pte Goof on the other hand… let’s just say it’s been an adjustment.

So I feel guilty. I feel like if I was making a little money, I could spoil Squirt more, and Pte Goof could buy more of the things that he wants. Heck, I could buy more shoes 😉

Old Friends

So I have this friend. Well, maybe it would be more accurate to say I had a friend. We were super close in high school. Like crazy close. We went to youth group together. Always sat together if we were in the same class. I got her a job at the first farm I worked at. We loved working together. We shared so much with each other, there are many things she knows about me that even Miss Stiles doesn’t know. And there are many things I know about her. We were inseparable for a while.

We ended up at the same university (we did not plan this, it just happened). It was funny, because we were both living on campus (albeit at opposite ends, a bit of a hike) but we still saw less of each other. We were busy, classes, new friends, adjusting to life away from our parents, partying (on my part), praying (on hers). We still saw each other and got along really well.

This time in my life (as it is for many people) was when I started transitioning away from my religious roots. Throughout high school, I had been very religious, there were people who nicknamed me ‘churchy’.  This friend had been very accepting of my wavering ways. I never felt judged for drinking and partying, or not always going to church. We were still very open with each other. She knew all the ‘bad’ unchristianly things I was doing, and I knew the small deviances she partook in.

Then I decided that I had no idea what I wanted to do and school was a huge waste of money unless I had some direction. So she went back to school (equally direction-less, but her school was being paid for) and I went back to work full time. And as is so common we drifted. Neither of us are very good at keeping in touch, but when she came home to visit we’d sometimes get together and it felt like nothing had changed. She decided to delete her facebook, and msn, as they were too distracting from her studies. So the only way to talk to her was email, and I am horrible with email. This was probably 3 years ago…

Then I got pregnant. I don’t actually remember her reaction when I told her. She already knew I was having premarital sex. It didn’t seem to bother her. We did get together once when I was about 3 months pregnant. She was just a patient and accepting as always.

She then went on an exchange to Europe. She called me once, just after Pte Goof and I moved in together. Squirt was born while she was away. I never heard a thing from her. No call, no eamil, nothing. She knew. Her mom called her to tell her.

She came back to Ontario. Still nothing. Personally, if my very close friend had a baby while I was on another continent you can bet that would be one of the very first stops I’d make when I got home!! I kinda figured she was being her usual self, she’s a little antisocial at times (like deleting any way to get a hold of her).

So why am I telling you all this? Why now am I mentioning this? Well I found out yesterday evidently she’s back on facebook. I had no clue. She has it set so nobody can find her. She’ll only be your facebook friend if she asks you first. That doesn’t surprise me. Or that she didn’t ask me. What suprises me is how much it hurts that she didn’t .

Mission Accomplished!

I meant to write about this yesterday, but I didn’t get around to it. Remember how I talked about how I was trying to push Squirt’s nap-time from morning to afternoon so he wouldn’t such a monster come bedtime because he refuses a second nap? well yesterday I finally did it! yay! I fed him lunch at 11:55, and he napped straight afterwards! And let me tell you, he was ready for a sleep by then!

Today was the same, lunch came and went, then off to bed for a nice long nap. Changing the time has been a little frustrating, but totally worth it because he is no longer so tired by bedtime that he just doesn’t even know what to do with himself. Sigh. It’s a bit of a relief really.

Yay for victories 🙂

White

I am so damn sick of the colour white (yes I’m Canadian, I spell colour with a u, and favourite too, and I spell it centre, not center). Really. I hate white. I just want to paint so badly. Paint is such a great (and relatively cheap way) to change a space completely. All of my walls are white. My fridge is white. the tile of my tub surround is white. The tile on my bathroom floor is white. My counter top is mostly white. The cabinet above the toilet is white. Out blinds are white. All our trim is white. The doors are white. The baseboards are white.

I’m sick of white. We’re not allowed to paint. We’re obviously not going to change the tile or counter top. We can change the window treatments, but anything showing outside has to be white or off white.

I want a house. So much. I know that once we have one there will be days when I long for the simplicity of apartment living, but right now I feel so cooped up! Especially since the weather has been so wonderful as of late. I hate that we have to go somewhere just to go outside. We can’t just step out into our yard and chill. Even a balcony would be so lovely.

Once Pte Goof’s done his training he’ll get a posting ans we’ll pick up and move out to wherever that is. And we’ll probably be in an apartment there too. Which is fine. I should be thankful that we can afford a place of our own, and for me to stay home. Really, we’re lucky considering how young and unprepared we were for all this. But I still get that itch. I want to decorate this place. Make it ours.

Wowee!


Well then! A real live first ever award! Thank-you so much dear! It meant so much I may have teared up a bit when I read that! This whole blogging thing has been wonderful, and much of that is thanks just to you my dear! I love this little bit of internet I call my own, and you make it all the more wonderful! Thank-you! Thank-you! you made my day!

Now, as usual there are a few rules to accompany this little award (but we all know rules were meant to be broken):

  1. Thank the person who gave you this award.
  2. Share 7 things about yourself.
  3. Pass the award along to 15 bloggers who you have recently discovered and who you think are fantastic!
  4. Contact the bloggers you’ve picked and let them know about the award.

So. One more time, thank-you lovely 🙂 you’ve made my blogging experience so far!

Seven Things:

  • I am such a girly-girl! I love shoe and purses and make-up and hair! (especially shoes, if I won the lottery,  the very first thing I would do is go on a shopping spree just for shoes!)
  • I may be girly but I’m rough and tough too! I used to milk cows and I love physical work. I worked on the farm right up until Squirt was born (I was actually supposed to do chores the afternoon of the day he was born because he came early)
  • I’m so indecisive about EVERYTHING. I have such a hard time making up my mind about things, real opportunities have completely passed me by as I couldn’t make up my mind in time.
  • I’m a salty snacker, don’t get me wrong I enjoy sweets (especially chocolate), but gimme a bag of chips and they’re all gone by the time I’m done!
  • I’m cheap! I hate spending money. I clip coupons. I trim my own bangs. I scour the flyers. I love a bargain. I buy most of my clothes clearance or second hand.
  • I miss being pregnant. No kidding! I had a pretty easy pregnancy, and I can’t wait until I can do it again (if ever). I have thought about being a surrogate, but Squirt coming early may disqualify me from that.
  • I’m scared to death of change. Go figure I’d fall for a military boy.

Ok, as for passing it on… I’m totally going to cop out on that (I know, I’m lame). I’m really out of the loop right now, the only one I know for sure I’d like to nominate is my dear over here, and as you know, she was already nominated lol.

Pomp and Circumstance

So I randomly decided to put Fantasia 2000, one of my favourites, into the ol’ xbox to watch. I figured Squirt would be into it because he loves music. apparently not so much, but I still love it!

Anyway, I love them all, but this one’s cute, I wanted to share it. Enjoy 🙂

Silence

Sorry guys. I know I’ve been totally MIA lately. I apologize. At first I was sick (so was Squirt). Then I was too busy enjoying not being sick. Then I felt so bad about being away I for some reason couldn’t get back into it. Then Pte Goof came home for a visit. This is a really long way of saying sorry I’ve been away. I’ll be back to posting soon! Promise!

Hope you guys all had a good easter! Mine was wonderful!