A wonderful lady and family friend passed away a couple days ago. Her funeral’s tomorrow. Her funeral’s three provinces away. My God this sucks. Anyone wanna pay for plane tickets for me and Squirt?
I’m sick of being an adult. I’m sick of having responsibilities only to let everyone down. I’m sick of trying to pull everything together. I’m sick of fighting with Pte Goof because I can’t get my act together. I’m sick of worrying that I’m going to cause Squirt harm in some way because I can’t just grow the fuck up. I’m sick of disappointing Pte Goof. I’m sick of disappointing myself. I’m sick of trying to keep track. I’m sick of constantly loosing track.
I’m tired of pretending to be on top of shit. I’m tired of pretending I’m grown up. I’m tired of pretending to be responsible. I’m tired of pretending I’m grown up. I’m tired of pretending I’m mature. I’m tired of pretending that I know what I’m doing. I’m tired of pretending that I’m in control. I’m tired of pretending that I have any fucking clue how to work life. I’m tired of pretending that I can do it. I’m tired of pretending that I’m capable. I’m just tired of pretending.
I’m sorry for this. I shouldn’t post when mad.
Meanest blogger ever? perhaps!
Sorry guys! I was busy getting ready to go away when I took that test, and I was just so freaked out about it I needed a little outlet! I TOTALLY never meant to leave it hanging that long! I remembered in the car that I never posted the results, and then it was too late as I had no internet all week… I’m very sorry!
Anyways, the test was negative, I’m very relieved and a little sad at the same time. But with our impending move to Alberta, it’s probably just as well!
I just peed on a stick. I don’t know which outcome I want more. We weren’t trying yet… just waiting to see how many lines.
So after yesterday’s post, I’ve been thinking and it brought me to a slightly shocking realization. I mean shocking to me. Ever since Pte Goof and I started dating and he told me he was going to join the military I have been absolutely dreading the moving. There are a few reasons for this (which I’m sure are obvious, but I’m going to talk about them anyways).
I lived in the same house from the time I was a year and a half old until I moved in with Goof just before Squirt was born. I lived for just 8 months away from home at university, but really, I’ve only live in one place. Pte Goof and I live just 10 minutes from my childhood home (It’s just in the next town). So I have never really moved. Certainly not far. I’m scared to move away. I’m such a scaredy-cat when it comes to change. There’s a good chance that Goof will be stationed in Alberta when he’s finished his course. A.l.b.e.r.t.a. The thought of being so far away from everyone I know frightens me.
Also, I don’t want Squirt to not be able to see his grandparents. Both my parents and my MIL live within a 10 minute drive now. We see them roughly weekly. My own grandparents (and even a good chunk of my extended family) all live within an hour and a half drive. It’s a doable distance for an afternoon visit. I don’t want Squirt to miss out on seeing his grand parents. I don’t want to always be a flight away. Grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandchildren (and let me tell you, his grandparents all love to!). I know that they can still have a great relationship from across the country. especially these days when there’s so much technology. But it’s not the same.
And I don’t like being told what to do. Never have (I would pretty much make the worst soldier ever for like a million reasons, but this is a big one). I hate that for the 20+ years I won’t be able to choose where Pte Goof and I will live. I don’t get to choose where I will raise my son. It makes me angry just thinking about it (yeah, I may have some authority issues…). I don’t want to have to go where they tell us. I don’t like that they have to power to up and move us to another continent if they so desire. I mean, yes I have to choice to stay behind, but you know, it’s like yesterday, what kind of choice is that. Move away from everything or not live with Pte Goof…
But the point of this post is not to complain about all the reasons I don’t want to move. This post is about what I realized yesterday. I realized that in some small way (even though all the above things are still true) I’m slightly looking forward to moving. (I’m actually finding this a little hard to admit, you can add ‘stubborn’ to ‘problems with authority’ haha). I’m kind of looking forward to living on base and actually getting to know a few milspouses so I can get a little more support than ‘it’s your choice’. There’s just no way to understand unless you’re living it yourself, and being off base (and not even anywhere near one) it’s kind of hard to meet other people living it. I hear very good things about the military community, and lately I’ve felt like I kind of need that support.
This really surprised me, but I guess it’s good, I don’t dread everything.
So Hello there.
I’ve been gone SO long, I know. And it wasn’t even announced. I’m sorry. Forgive me?
So what has happened since I blogged last? Well tons and at the same time nothing at all. There hasn’t been too much that I felt blog worthy as of last (part of the reason for all the silence). I’ve visited Pte Goof twice, and he’s come home twice since then (I know, we’ve seen so much of him lately! It’s been awesome!). Squirt’s growing like crazy. We’re at the point that anyone who sees little kids regularly upon finding out how old is he say ‘Wow, he sure is tall!’ (which my mom says she got all the time when I was a his age, and I’m pretty tall now). Pte Goof and I went to a stag and doe of some mutual friends, and I got completely hammered. Like the drunkest I have ever been in my entire life. I made a fool of myself. Hmm… but that’s about it.
Goof just came home for the long weekend. The weather was gorgeous and we had an absolutely lovely weekend. I just got back from dropping him off where he was meeting his friend for a ride back (yay for that, save us the $60 bus and $20 cab it takes for him to get back to base! both ways!!). Poor squirt. He’s starting to get it. He’s beginning to understand that when we say ‘bye-bye’ to daddy it’ll be a long time before we see him again. He cried and cried as Pte Goof drove away. Broke my heart twice. Once cause he was leaving, once cause it made Squirt so sad.
I’ll try to be back again soon! I don’t know what it is, when I’ve been away a while it’s so hard to start again… but once I’m here it’s like, wow! I’ve missed this!!