I’m really sorry, this post is going to be completely pointless, run around in circles, and likely make no sense to anyone, but I’m fucking mad and I need a little outlet, and my dear little corner of the internet is going to be it!
Why must it always be the same shit all the time? Why does it all happen over and over and over again? I feel like every time things just barely start to smooth out it just falls right beck to where it was.
Have some damn respect for me. Have some damn respect for my feelings. Have some damn respect for us. Have some damn respect for what I do. I’m so bloody sick of it and it’s pissing me off.
I’m sick of being an adult. I’m sick of having responsibilities only to let everyone down. I’m sick of trying to pull everything together. I’m sick of fighting with Pte Goof because I can’t get my act together. I’m sick of worrying that I’m going to cause Squirt harm in some way because I can’t just grow the fuck up. I’m sick of disappointing Pte Goof. I’m sick of disappointing myself. I’m sick of trying to keep track. I’m sick of constantly loosing track.
I’m tired of pretending to be on top of shit. I’m tired of pretending I’m grown up. I’m tired of pretending to be responsible. I’m tired of pretending I’m grown up. I’m tired of pretending I’m mature. I’m tired of pretending that I know what I’m doing. I’m tired of pretending that I’m in control. I’m tired of pretending that I have any fucking clue how to work life. I’m tired of pretending that I can do it. I’m tired of pretending that I’m capable. I’m just tired of pretending.
I’m sorry for this. I shouldn’t post when mad.
This is the absolute most annoying phrase to me. This phrase makes me so mad these days. It’s usually preceded by ‘Yeah but’…
Listen friends (a little aside, this post is directed at a few of my friends I know in person, all you lovely bloggy ladies have been nothing but sportive), I know that I chose this. I know that I made the decision to have Pte Goof away all the time, and to have to move God knows where, and to have Squirt hardly see him, and to have to face future deployments, and all the endless list of grievances. I know that I made that choice (even if I was kind of tossed into it).
But the fact that I chose this doesn’t make it much easier (I have to admit had I been forced to do this not of my own free will I’d have a harder time yet). It wasn’t like I said to Pte Goof, ‘You know what would be awesome, if you knocked me up the buggered off to join the army’. And sometimes I need to complain about it. Sometimes I just need you to listen and nod along and say ‘Yeah, it must suck’.
I know it must be annoying and redundant to have me complain once again about how much I miss him. Or how hard it is to parent Squirt all by myself. Or how much I hate the drive to go see him. Or how I’m so not looking forward to moving wherever the army tell me. Or how expensive it is for him to come home. Or, or, or. I’m sure it gets tedious at times. But I listen to you tell me for the millionth time how much you want to loose weight. Or how much you wish you had a girl/boyfriend. Or how you can’t stand living with your parents one more day. I could just say, ‘well that’s your choice’ and dismiss you like you do me. I could say ‘get your ass to a gym’ ‘get out and meet people once in a while’ ‘then move out already’ and tell you it’s your choice to be where you are. But I don’t. I listen and say ‘oh yeah, that sucks’ because that’s sometimes what you need to hear.
I don’t need to be reminded that my own choices got me here. I know that. I know that everything going on in my life is what Pte Goof and I have made decisions about. I know this. You don’t need to tell me.
Sorry about the negative post. I had intentions of writing about something else entirely until last night once again when I was just looking for a little sympathy all I get from my friends is ‘yeah, but, it’s your choice’. -F