Tag Archives: travel

Highway of Heros

Every time Squirt and I go visit Pte Goof we drive down the entire length of the Highway of Heroes. You know, the highway that the bodies of all of our fallen boys are taken down after landing in Trenton on the way to the coroner’s in Toronto. It kills me every single time. I have to drive the whole length of it. Every sign a reminder that one day it could be him. I shouldn’t think this way. Inevitably I’ll spend at least part of the drive in tears. But I can’t help it. It almost seems like a cruel joke to me that there’s no way to go visit my soldier than to take this route. Thankfully Squirt sleeps most of the way so I can shed a few tears and he doesn’t hear. But my God is it a long drive for me.

It’s so stupid that my mind always does this to me. I wish I could think of other things, but every sign denoting the road has a poppy on it. Because every dead soldier travels it. I think it’s a good thing, that this road has been dedicated to the fallen soldiers. I think that people need reminders that there are men and women dying out in the world serving their country. But damn, is that a long hard drive for me.

Home Again, Home again, Jiggity Jig

So I’m sure you guys figured out that I was busy visiting with Pte Goof  the last few days. But we’re back now. I’ve got so much catching up to do on my Google reader!

It was such a great trip. I’m so glad we got the chance before his course started up!

On friday Pte Goof’s Aunt and Uncle baby sat for us and we went out with his sister (who now has a name! Belle :)). It was so fun to go out drinking and dancing! I do miss the party life we had before Squirt came along. We didn’t stay out too late, because Pte Goof was a party pooper pretty tired, so we left well before his sister (and let me tell you, drunk Fable was NOT impressed with leaving so early on probably her only chance to go out until like Christmas). But it was such a blast! I forgot to bring clubbing shoes with me (ok, I’ll be totally honest, I may have ‘forgotten’ on purpose, so I had an excuse to buy new ones) and got these amazing red pumps! I have been looking for a pair of red high heels for 3 years! Yes 3 years! and I finally found some I love (and in my size, my feet are big!!).

And Saturday evening Belle babysat for us and Pte Goof and I went out for dinner just the two of us. It was such a lovely date. I haven’t had such a good time just the two of us in forever. We ate at this little Japanese restaurant we found. I’ve had sushi from the grocery store, but never really eaten Japanese. It was amazing! We absolutely loved it! My food had tentacles in it!!

And I crossed off an item on my life list (which I really should post here already, I talked about it months ago). Learning to eat with chopsticks. When I realized that  the restaurant only had chopsticks to eat with I nearly had a panic attack and told Pte Goof we had to leave. You see, I seem to have some sort of social anxiety. And I had kind of envisioned myself figuring out the whole chopstick thing by myself at home. Not in a restaurant where people could see me! Seriously, I almost made him leave with me. But the old Pte Goof stepped up and talked me down from the panic raising up inside and convinced me to stay and try it. And I am so glad and thankful. Not only did I get a fabulous meal, and cross off an item on my life list, I got to see Pte Goof taking care of me and being the sweet guy I know he is.

Oh! and I almost forgot! Another thing with my whole social anxiety, I have no confidence in my cooking skills, and very, very rarely cook for other people. It makes me so nervous. I only spent one year away at school and I had a meal plan then, so I haven’t had that much practice before moving in with Pte Goof. But Now that Squirt’s eating so much more variety and ‘grown-up’ food I’ve experimented with food for the two of us and have actually started to get a little better. So when we got there on thursday night I offered to make us all stir-fry. I was still a little nervous for how it would turn out, but it was delicious. Belle and Pte Goof seemed to enjoy it immensely :). Yay for over coming fears!

All in all it was the best time I’ve had in a long time. Now I’m just sad cause I miss him. But Easter’s not too far away!

Well Then

Wow. What a trip.

Pte Goof had to go back to his posting on Tues. We decided to go all together, and Squirt and I stayed at Goof’s sister’s place, which was empty, because she’s home for reading week. Our original plan was to come home last night (late, so Squirt would sleep through the 4 hour drive, and there would be less traffic, because it’s almost all city driving, which I hate, hate, hate, but I digress). Instead we drove home this morning, and guys, I nearly came home a single woman.

I’m not going to go into all the nitty-gritty. I just don’t want to open myself up to the criticism that we would likely receive. But here’s a little short version. A Cole’s notes if you wish.

So. Pte Goof had always been an amazing boyfriend and lover. He was attentive and caring and made me feel wonderful about myself. I knew just a few months into the relationship that he was the man I wanted to marry. We had already talked about marriage, and Pte Goof had even bought me a promise ring that he was going to give to me before he left for boot camp the first time.

Before he gave it to me (but after he had bought it) I took that fateful test. I really didn’t want him to leave me to join the military when I was pregnant, but he kept insisting he needed to, and that it was now even for the baby because of the financial stability it would provide. He left and I cried and cried and cried every single day (thank you crazy pregnancy hormones!). After 5 weeks he decided he couldn’t bear being away from me, and came home.

In November we finally found an apartment and moved in together.

Long story slightly less long, He decided to go back, and I convinced him to wait until after the baby arrived. I’ll be honest, I was hoping and praying that the sight of his new baby would make him change his mind. No such luck. shortly after Squirt arrived (less than 2 weeks, just 2 days before Christmas) Pte Goof lost someone very, very dear to him to cancer.

And he just snapped.

I mean. People need time to grieve. I would never deny that. And I gave him time. I gave him oodles of time. But he just couldn’t get over it. The baby that put a stop to our partying. The switch from living with his mom to living with his fiance and being a parent. The somewhat sudden loss of someone so dear. All so close together.

And I guess I was the easiest person to take it out on. Don’t get me wrong guys. It’s not like he was ever horrible to me. He never abused me or anything like that. He wasn’t even bad to me (99% of the time). It’s just that he was no longer good to me.

He slowly got over what I can only assume was depression. He worked his way back to normal. But things between us didn’t really get better. We were caught in this whirlwind of life. We had to grow up so fast. And let me tell you, Pte Goof was not ready to be a parent. Not that I’m anywhere near perfect, but kids just come naturally to me. Pte Goof however… well he has decided he hates kids. I mean he loves Squirt. Loves him to death. But he doesn’t want more now (we used to talk about having kids not kid). And I want more. He decided he couldn’t marry me anymore. He moved back in with his mom for a bit.

Even once he came around and said that he did want to marry me after all, and he still loved me, he would still complain all the time about his loss of independence and youth. And he refused to talk about the wedding. He didn’t seem to appreciate at all the fact that I was entering into this military life that I didn’t want at all just for him. And he didn’t start treating me any better.

When he was home this past week I got really upset with him. His mom called to ask him to do something for her, and he jumped right to it. I flew off the handle. Dumb I know, but I just felt so fed up with the fact that he couldn’t do a single damned thing for me, but for his mom it was no problem (let’s not get into the whole mother-son thing, it could have been anybody, it just happened to be his mom). And he admitted it. To my face. That he didn’t treat me well. He said even his mom had said something to him. About how he treats me. I don’t know why I treat you like this,  as if he couldn’t do anything about it.

Then yesterday. I found something out. What? Well, that’s not important. What’s important is that it hurt me very much (probably more that it needed to, but, well that’s life I guess). He didn’t cheat or anything like that. But he did hurt me. He was on base, and I knew I couldn’t call him. I sent out a slew of angry texts though. I waited for lunch when I knew he’d have time to check them, and, as I figured, would immediately call me. And he did. And I told him I was breaking up with him. It’s not that this one thing was so terrible (it was bad, but not that bad), just that it was the last straw. For well over a year I stood around as he hemmed and hawed about whether or not he really wanted to be with me. I stood by him as he acted like he didn’t care about me at all. I lied to my friends and family so they wouldn’t think poorly about him. I acted like it was ok he refused to even begin the teeny tiniest plans for a wedding. I even said that I would give up my biggest dream, more children. I put up with all his shit.

But I was done. Anyone who follows my twitter would have seen me make 2 very brief tweets.

He immediately started begging me not to leave. Which was different. I had threatened to leave a couple times before, during the summer, when he wasn’t sure if he loved me. And he’d always pretty much say I need to do what I need to do. Or whatever will make me happy. But yesterday was different. I’ve never heard him like this. and I know, I know, dumb guys always say these things, and dumb girls always belive them, but I really believe him. He’s never begged me to stay before. He told me he was willing to do anything to prove to me his love. (I know, I know, that’s what they all say)

All through this argument discussion a snowstorm descended and the weather got worse and worse. So I stayed an extra night. And we curled up together in his sister’s twin bed, and I couldn’t help but feel we’d turned a corner.

So. We’re together. And we’ll stay together, so long as his attitude really does change (and I believe it will). So long as he starts to treat me more like he did in the beginning. More like the boy I fell in love with. If not, well we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, but I really don’t think we’ll have to.

Hello Out There

Hey everyone, just wanted to let you know that once again, I’m not dead. Sorry for the total absenteeism lately. Soon I’ll be back to posting a little more often. We’ve been so crazy busy lately. I’ve only been home 1 out of the last 4 weeks. I’m very sick of visiting and sleeping in other people’s beds and trying to get Squirt to sleep in strange places. Sigh, I’m done complaining now.

Anywho, hope all’s well with you guys, and I’ll be home late Saturday night (actually early Sunday morning is more likely) so after I recuperate I’ll be back 🙂