Right at this very moment Pte Goof is in our living room typing up a request to go on Tour of Duty. Seriously. It just kills me that the one thing that he wants most in the world is the one thing that I don’t want more than anything. And I don’t fucking want to hear one more time that this is what I signed up for (not that any of you lovelies ever say that to me, and for that I thank you). Ok. Fuck. I know that when I decided to date a soldier that I faced these possibilities. I know that. But it wasn’t supposed to be long-term. He was going to go in for his first contract then get out. And we weren’t supposed to be long-term either. It was supposed to be a fling for the last bit of summer before I headed back to school. I wasn’t supposed to fall head over heels in love. And even once I did fall in love it was just supposed to be 5 years of the army, then he’d be home and I’d have babies and it would be wonderful. I wasn’t supposed to become pregnant. But now We’ve already got the baby and he wants to stay in the military as long as possible. Even more than that he just so badly wants to tour. And I just so badly don’t want him to. Why the hell is he out there writing to his higher ups begging for a chance to do the one thing that just may kill me? I can’t stand it. And it’s so selfish of me. And I feel horrible for it. It’s his dream. His dream of a life time. But I just don’t want it to happen. I fell horrible about myself for feeling this way. I don’t want to share him with our country. I want him home and safe with me and Squirt.
I’m really sorry, this post is going to be completely pointless, run around in circles, and likely make no sense to anyone, but I’m fucking mad and I need a little outlet, and my dear little corner of the internet is going to be it!
Why must it always be the same shit all the time? Why does it all happen over and over and over again? I feel like every time things just barely start to smooth out it just falls right beck to where it was.
Have some damn respect for me. Have some damn respect for my feelings. Have some damn respect for us. Have some damn respect for what I do. I’m so bloody sick of it and it’s pissing me off.
So, ever since I posted that I thought that I was done with this blog I’ve had that itch. If you blog you know that one that I’m talking about. The itch that makes one want to blog in the first place. So, I’m going to see where this takes me. I’m not going to pressure myself. If I don’t feel like blogging I won’t. Simple as that. I won’t feel bad about it if I’m away for a while (ok, well I’m sure I’ll still feel bad, but I won’t let it get to me so badly that I feel like I simply can’t sit down and write).
When I do feel like blogging I will. I think I’m going to stick more with little snippets rather than long posts. Just seems to suit my mood lately . I know that much of my lack of blogging has come from not being sure what to share and what not to share, but also from the fact that I feel like unless I write a long(ish) post, what’s the point? Focusing on shorter snippets will solve both those problems as I’m less likely to over-share in a short post, and if I’m only planning on shorter posts, I won’t feel bad about not writing long ones. (Mind you, who knows how long that will last, next week I could feel like writing entire novellas every time I sit down haha).
So, we shall see where this leads.
Let me start this off by saying that Goof is not so good with words. I constantly find myself “translating” for him when we’re talking with other people because he’s not very good at getting across what he means. I’ve even had to clarify for his mom what he meant on numerous occasions, his own mother can’t understand what he’s getting at some times. He also fits the male stereotype of not being very good with emotions.
2 years ago, just before Christmas (like just days before) Goof’s step-dad (who was in all senses of the word, aside from biologically his dad. He called him Dad, his biological father he calls by his first name.). It was very, very hard for him and has affected him profoundly. This time of year is now very hard for him as it makes him think about the man he misses so much.
Last night as we were cuddling in bed before drifting off to sleep Goof says to me. “I would give anything to spend Christmas with my Dad”. I didn’t really say anything but squeezed his hand. Upon further reflection, “Well almost anything, I wouldn’t give Squirt. Or you”
Not poetry folks, but certainly enough to make my heart melt!
So I just realized yesterday that my blog will be turning one tomorrow! (which, by the way, I’m still not sure what I’m going to do to celebrate that… I’m open for suggestions). Because I realized this I took a little trip down memory lane and read a few of my very first posts. This is what struck me. Holy crap, Pte Goof and I are doing so much better! I mean, we’re still having a little trouble with things. We’re both hot headed and stubborn, but wow, when I started this blog I was almost at my whits end with things. Really, that’s why I started this blog. I just couldn’t handle all the stress and didn’t feel like I had anybody to confide in.
This all got me thinking. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so bad with the blogging lately. I don’t need it like I used to. I mean, I still have tons of troubles and stresses, and this blog can still be a wonderful outlet, but I’m not quite so ready to crumble as I was when I started this a year ago. This makes me a little sad. Obviously it’s a good thing if my relationship with Goof isn’t nearly as bad and strained as it was back then, but I don’t want to out grow this little peice of internet I love so much.
I guess I need to think about what I want this blog to be now. It’s no longer about how Pte Goof doesn’t want to marry me. I no longer feel like I can share just anything. So what is this blog now? Why do I still need this in my life?
I’m not sure.
I’m sick of being an adult. I’m sick of having responsibilities only to let everyone down. I’m sick of trying to pull everything together. I’m sick of fighting with Pte Goof because I can’t get my act together. I’m sick of worrying that I’m going to cause Squirt harm in some way because I can’t just grow the fuck up. I’m sick of disappointing Pte Goof. I’m sick of disappointing myself. I’m sick of trying to keep track. I’m sick of constantly loosing track.
I’m tired of pretending to be on top of shit. I’m tired of pretending I’m grown up. I’m tired of pretending to be responsible. I’m tired of pretending I’m grown up. I’m tired of pretending I’m mature. I’m tired of pretending that I know what I’m doing. I’m tired of pretending that I’m in control. I’m tired of pretending that I have any fucking clue how to work life. I’m tired of pretending that I can do it. I’m tired of pretending that I’m capable. I’m just tired of pretending.
I’m sorry for this. I shouldn’t post when mad.