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I’ve been keeping a secret. A deep dark secret. A secret that I did not let a single person in on. Not a one. A secret that has torn me up inside and made me feel worse and worse by the day. It was literally making me sick at times. It was a secret that I kept pushing further and further down every time it attempted to claw its way back up into my conscious thought. A secret that I couldn’t let myself think about for fear that I if I did think about it, I would become so overcome with it that I just didn’t trust myself with what I would do.

I lost my engagement ring.

I lost the most expensive thing I own (next to my car. I don’t actually know how much the ring cost, but I know it was a few pretty pennies). But far, far more than that, I lost the symbol of everything that Pte Goof and I have been through.  I lost the thing that Pte Goof spent all his money on to show me how much he loved me no matter what.

Pte Goof and I got together in August of ’07. It was just such an easy, fun thing that I figured would just be until I went back to school a little over a month later.  I had never had a fling before, in fact, I had always been quite against them, but the 8 months I had spent at University had done much to open my eyes to a new way to look at the world. And although I was still pretty uptight compared to the rest of the world, I figured I could hang out with this hot guy with the cute silver Chevy Cavalier (don’t tell him I called it cute) who seemed to actually have an interest in me, fool around a bit, then head back off to University and all the fun guys and booze there.

In a matter of weeks though, I was head over heels in love with this guy, and found myself giving him my v-card, when it was just supposed to be a little fooling around before heading back to school.

Let’s zip along to the spring of ’08. I had decided not to go back to school for various personal reasons (and not because I had fallen in love with a super hot guy back home, don’t listen to anyone who says it was because of him!). But I was working my ass off at a job I loved, and screwing my man every chance I got. I was having so much fun really, even if I was running myself into the ground working 60 hours a week at a very physical job, staying out all hours with my very physical man.

In May he went to coffee with Miss Stiles. He and she wanted to get to know each other better,  since she was one of my bffs and he was being heralded as “possibly ‘the one'”. In fact, I already knew he was the one, I just wasn’t telling anyone yet, because I didn’t want to hear a chorus of “it’s too soon” and “you’re too young”. I found out much later that Miss Stile and he had discussed his intentions. They had talked about a future wedding and engagement ring (Pte Goof told her that my bridesmaids would have to wear purple, my favourite colour). My Dear Miss Stiles convinced him that I needed a flat ring, because I was so clumsy that anything that had a big rock  I would catch and injure myself. This is probably the best thing that Miss Stiles has ever done for me, because, I hate to admit it to many women who have a huge ring, but I don’t like big stones. I just don’t like the way they look. But Pte Goof has expensive tastes, and loves to show them off. Had they not talked about this he probably would have bought me the biggest stone he could afford!

He bought me a beautiful ring. One with three diamonds that were flush with the band. At the end of June he was due to leave for boot camp and he really wanted to be more committed to me before he left. This ring used up most of his savings (after he totaled his dear cavalier and paid it off) , and it was a promise ring. A promise to love me forever and a promise for our future life together. It summed up our somewhat new, but totally devoted relationship, and all that he hoped for it. He planned to give it to me on my birthday in early June.


Then. Before my birthday, before my lovely ring was given to me, I took that test. The one that completely changed everything about our relationship. So when he gave me the ring, in the parking lot of my old elementary school in my crappy Plymouth Sundance, it was still a promise ring, but it meant so much more. And 3 weeks later,  when he proposed, just days before he left for boot camp, and could not possibly afford another ring so fine, I got a trinket, one that means so much to me personally, but that doesn’t get worn like my promise ring.

Because of this my promise ring has become so much more. It is both a promise ring and an engagement ring all at once. It is absolutely beautiful, and I love how right Goof got it when he picked it out. The only problem is that we got it sized shortly after he gave it to me, I was pregnant and evidently retaining water. It has been way too big for most of the time I’ve owned it, and so I don’t often wear it for fear of loosing it. Were it to slip off when I was out sometime I could never forgive myself.

And yet it happened. I wasn’t really sure when, just one day the thought occurred to me that I had no idea when the last time I wore it was or when the last time I wore it was. I checked all the places I usually keep it (A grand total of 3 possible places in our apartment). No luck. I was certain  it had to be somewhere. Guys, I felt like shit. Then suddenly we were moving, and I knew, that I would never see my beloved ring again.

And like a coward I couldn’t bring myself to tell Goof. It represented his hard (VERY HARD) earned cash. It represented everything we were together. And I lost it. I know it was cowardly and dishonest of me to keep it from him, but I just couldn’t bring myself to spill the beans.

Time wore on in our new place and I found myself becoming physically ill when I thought about my long-lost ring. How could I possibly be so careless?

But today. Oh today! I decided to use a purse to run to the store that I had not used in AGES. I’m sure you can see where this is going. I’m notorious for not cleaning purses out when I’m done with them. I was digging around in all the shit I had left in this purse and deep down in the inside zippered pocket I FOUND IT! MY DEAR LONG LOST RING! I feel like a GINORMOUS weight had been lifted off my shoulders! I can’t belive what I thought was still back in Ontario, probably in some pawn shop by some ne’er-do-well who found it, was in my hands where it belonged!


and I couldn’t be happier!


Dreamy Thoughts

Don’t you hate when you have such an awesome blog post idea in the middle of the night, and you repeat it to yourself like ten times so you’ll remember it, and yet, come morning it’s completely gone, except for the fact that you have that feeling that you had an awesome idea?

Yeah, I hate that too.

Old Friends, or Something Like That

So I have this friend from high school. We had a few classes together throughout our high school careers. I never ever hung out with him outside of school, or even outside of class really, but we got along. We used to flirt like mad (back when I used to flirt with any single guy who would give me the time of day). But he’s well… awkward. Like extremely awkward. He doesn’t quite get social cues. It’s kind of hard to explain.

Anyway, he moved to Guelph, and I haven’t seen him for 3 years, but we talk occasionally on msn. 2 weeks ago he broke his wrist while rollerblading and decided to come home to his parent’s place for a bit since he can’t work and his dominate hand is busted. He insisted that I come out to see him with Squirt since he was in the area. I was hesitant, because although we got along in high school, well to be honest, he’s pretty annoying (I don’t quite get this relationship to be honest with you, in some ways I just can’t stand the guy, but we used to get along so well, and it’s not like he’s changed he’s always been awkward and annoying…)  but he insisted. I was talking to my other bff (I don’t talk about her much on here, but she’s totally the best person ever, and a huge part of my life, she totally deserves her own name here) about this and we wondered how he does it. A few years ago he happened to be in the same province for the summer that she was living in at the time and he totally talked her into driving an hour to see him. Even though she didn’t want to either. Neither of us could figure out how he talks people into these things. I mean, he’s a nice enough guy, it’s not like he’s an ahole or anything, just… well irritating.

So Squirt and I drove the 25 minutes to go see him. I really didn’t want to, but I figured, hey, he’s been bugging me to come visit him in Guelph for like a year now, maybe I can get a visit over with now, and then soon I’ll be moving out of province and it’ll be done.

15 minutes after getting there he started. The tickley, touchy way that we used to behave. You know, back when we were 16 and both single, and it was just silly fun? But we’re not 16 anymore. And I’m not single. It wasn’t like the whole time, just here and there, but It made me so uncomfortable. I’m a 23-year-old mom to a toddler and engaged. I mean, common. But I’m ashamed to admit I didn’t say anything. I certainly didn’t encourage it. I did my best to make it obvious that I wasn’t enjoying it without actually saying it. But I should have. I should have said something. I am engaged for crying out loud. This is no longer appropriate! But, like the chickenshit I am, I didn’t say anything.

He also got mad when I talked about my plans with Pte Goof to likely move to Alberta. He got all pissed off about Pte Goof putting the military ahead of his family. I tried to explain that part of the reason he wants to do well in the military is for his family. I mean sure, it’s partly selfish too because it’s his dream, but obviously when he does well it gives us advantages too. And we decided Alberta was the best for his career. I understand that he’s an old friend and he feels a certain amount of protectiveness or whatever for me, but really, who the hell is he to get mad because Pte Goof and I decided together to move to Alberta?

So now I feel bad. I feel like I didn’t stick up enough for Goof, and I know I should have said something to this guy about how he was tickling me. So I ask you, how should I have dealt with this? What should I have said without being a total bitch to clue him into the fact that I’m at a very different spot in my life than when we sat at the back of biology and he tickled my knees under the lab counter?


So remember how I opened my big mouthhere and totally bragged about how great this time change had been and how I was getting extra sleep? Well yeah, I totally jinxed it, as I predicted.

Last night Squirt was super tired. We had gone on a little walk (where I actually let him walk on the sidewalk instead of in the stroller or the backpack) after supper, and although he loved every minute of it, it totally tuckered him out. Once we got home about 45 minutes before bedtime he was totally done in. 15 minutes later when he pulled me over to his crib and babbled incoherently, but in very distressed tones while pointing inside I figured that even though it was half on hour early he was totally ready for bed now. And he was. Jammies, bottle, story, out. No problem.

Until this morning when he woke up 2 and a half hours early.

Combine that with the fact that Pte Goof was up with the same cold we have (we were kind enough to share with him before we left our last visit), and decided to text me at 1:30 am because I’m usually still up (but of course, last night, since I was sick I was actually able to get to sleep for a change) and woke me, and I’m pretty darn tired.

When Squirt goes down for his nap I’m going to see if I can get one in too. Tonight we have plans to have dinner with my MIL, but if I feel like this I may just postpone until tomorrow, she’ll understand, she knows we’re both sick.

And the Award for Worst Mother Goes to…

After the shampoo incident, Squirt freaks out every time I go to rinse the shampoo off his head. He’s never really been in love with the process, but he seems more upset now. Sigh,

And if that wasn’t enough… I mentioned to you guys yesterday about the lovely walk Squirt and I took yesterday. What I didn’t tell you is that while we were strolling on of the trails by our place (our town has an awesome network of  trails!) I walked the poor kid into a tree! Once again, he wasn’t really hurt, he cried a bit, but it was short-lived. Oh my God though, could you imagine if the branch had stabbed him in the eye or something? I’d never have forgiven myself!

And then today. I’m not really feeling well, I was up half the night with some strange abdominal pain. I didn’t get very much sleep, and I still feel kind of crappy. Squirt was being so clingy, of course (I think it’s because he can tell that mommy doesn’t really feel well, and he wants to make me better, or at least happy, little sweetie that he is). I just wanted five flipping minutes to myself, so I figured I’d hand him three various sized funnels I got at Dollarama the other day. Something he hasn’t seen before, and pretty harmless. They did actually entertain him for quite a while, but fast forward to a couple hours later when they were still sprawled across my living room floor and you’ll see Squirt falling on his butt right on the business end of a funnel. The tears that accompanied that one!! My Goodness!

Hopefully I don’t break the poor kid before we go down to visit Pte Goof later this week (that’s right we’re going to visit!! I can’t wait!!)


Ok, so if you already watch momversation than I’m sure you’ve seen this one because it’s not new, but if you don’t, here it is (p.s., if you don’t watch it, but read any of the blogs of the ladies participating it’s kinda cool to actually see the people talking whom you normally only read. I read 3 or 4 of the blogs of all the moms who participate, and was so excited when I found it).

(I’m really sorry it’s autoplaying, totally annoys me when this happens elsewhere…)

Vodpod videos no longer available.
more about “Worst Parent of theYear“, posted with vodpod

So I had one of these moments today. Less a Heather angry moment (but my God, those are sure to come, I may or may not have a very hot temper and I may or may not have passed that on to Squirt), and more of a not exactly thinking moment like Alice or Daphne.

So when I bathe Squirt I always use Johnson and Johnson’s No More Tears baby shampoo. I don’t know whether I’d buy it (I tend to be a store brand kinda girl) but he has so little hair we’re not even half way through the first bottle I opened for his very first bath at home that was given to me at a shower (and I have about 4 more, I’m not going to have to buy this kid shampoo til he’s 15!). I do know that the No More Tears formula really works! I wish we had this stuff when I was a kid (maybe they did, but my mom couldn’t afford it). I shampoo the little guy’s head up, then just dump water over him til he’s clean. Doesn’t hurt his eyes at all.

But the last little while he’s be riddled with an extremely dry scalp. He has so little hair you can see the crocodile skin all over his little noggin. I did a little reasearch and decided it was fine to use adult dandruff shampoo. (I’m sure you can see where this is going). So I sudsed him up, and completely forgot that this was not the oh so gentle baby shampoo we always used, but adult dandruff stuff. Sigh, I dumped the water over his head and immediately regretted it. My poor little guy stated flipping out. His face went all red and he started frantically rubbing at his eyes. And CRIED. oh I felt so bad. I mean, I know that shampoo in the eyes isn’t really going to harm him. I’ve gotten shampoo in my eyes a zillion times. But that’s the thing, I know how much that hurts. And I at least understand what’s going on. Oh, I felt so bad for the little guy as I tried to help him wash it out.

Well it didn’t take him long to settle down. He’s fine (obviously) but I still feel bad for being so dumb. At least he’s too little to remember this later.