Doubt

Lately I’ve been doubting myself again. This little thought kind of sits there all the time, but the last few days it seems to be creeping back to the surface.

I’m really not sure if I can do all this guys. This whole military thing. I waver back and forth between feeling like I’m just going to tough it out, put on my big girl panties, and deal, and thinking there is no way in hell I’ll be able to handle it. But now, we’re definitely in the second column. Just the thought of future deployments that has me in tears now. What kind of mess will I be when it’s actually time for one. When I actually have to sit here every day while he’s over seas and worry about if he’s dead or alive. Jumping when the phone rings or when a strange car pulls up to the house wondering if I’m about to be told the worst news of my life. I don’t know if I can handle that kind of stress.

I’m just not sure I have it in me guys. I don’t know if I have the strength. I’m already a mess about the whole thing and we have hardly dealt with anything.  I mean, sure he’s been away, and that’s super hard. But he’s just training. He’s still in Ontario. We visit each other. Now that he has electronics again we talk on msn all the time. He says good night to Squirt almost every night over video chat.

When he’s over seas, on the other hand,  there will be times when he has no access to internet. Or when he does he won’t have any time to actually talk. Or even shoot me an email. He’ll be in very real, very serious danger. and I’m such a baby. Everything makes me cry. I mean it. Everything. It just seem all so immensely big, and scary. How on Earth can a baby like me deal with this kind of shit?

And the crazy fool. He wants to go over so badly. We picked Alberta as our first posting once he’s done his training for a variety of reasons, but Goof’s biggest reason he wants to go there is because he thinks that he’ll get over seas to see some action quickest that way (I know, I picked a fucking nutter).  One if his biggest fears is that he won’t get to go to Afghanistan before we pull out there (I know, I know, a nutter).

It just has me so scared guys. Scared doesn’t cover it. I’m crying now, just typing this out. Fuck.

p.s. sorry for this, I just need to vent somewhere, and Miss Stiles is not of much use at the moment. Also, I know I have an award to get to, I’ll get there soon, k?

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4 responses to “Doubt

  1. fable…. i think this emotions you’re feeling are totally valid… and show how much you love him and care for him…

    the truth is no-one is ready to see the love of their life leave their side… especially not to go to a dangerous place where something could happen to them… But when you start living on the base, i’m sure you’ll meet other women (or man) who are in your same situation, and who will help you through it…

    you can do this, and i think you will do this because you love Pte Goof so much and he loves you back…
    think about this: would you feel better if you guys broke things off??

    • No, I know. I’ve said this before. A long time ago when Pte Goof and I were talking about things and I was saying it was all so hard and I didn’t know if I could do it. He said he’d understand if I said I couldn’t and ended it. I right away said that that wouldn’t be any better because if we did break up I’d be just as crushed if he didn’t make it home and I’d also loose out on being with him until then… it just sucks ):

      Thank you though, for your encouragement (:

  2. Oh wow. I for one would not be able to handle that at all, and I would be flipping out worse then I could even imagine right now.

    Easier said then done, but hang in there, I am sure he will be okay when he, or if he does go over seas. ❤

    • Thanks. There was a time when I would have said no way in Hell could it ever be even remotely possible, but now, when that’s what life’s given me… it’s more like, just take it slow…

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