Lately I’ve been doubting myself again. This little thought kind of sits there all the time, but the last few days it seems to be creeping back to the surface.
I’m really not sure if I can do all this guys. This whole military thing. I waver back and forth between feeling like I’m just going to tough it out, put on my big girl panties, and deal, and thinking there is no way in hell I’ll be able to handle it. But now, we’re definitely in the second column. Just the thought of future deployments that has me in tears now. What kind of mess will I be when it’s actually time for one. When I actually have to sit here every day while he’s over seas and worry about if he’s dead or alive. Jumping when the phone rings or when a strange car pulls up to the house wondering if I’m about to be told the worst news of my life. I don’t know if I can handle that kind of stress.
I’m just not sure I have it in me guys. I don’t know if I have the strength. I’m already a mess about the whole thing and we have hardly dealt with anything. I mean, sure he’s been away, and that’s super hard. But he’s just training. He’s still in Ontario. We visit each other. Now that he has electronics again we talk on msn all the time. He says good night to Squirt almost every night over video chat.
When he’s over seas, on the other hand, there will be times when he has no access to internet. Or when he does he won’t have any time to actually talk. Or even shoot me an email. He’ll be in very real, very serious danger. and I’m such a baby. Everything makes me cry. I mean it. Everything. It just seem all so immensely big, and scary. How on Earth can a baby like me deal with this kind of shit?
And the crazy fool. He wants to go over so badly. We picked Alberta as our first posting once he’s done his training for a variety of reasons, but Goof’s biggest reason he wants to go there is because he thinks that he’ll get over seas to see some action quickest that way (I know, I picked a fucking nutter). One if his biggest fears is that he won’t get to go to Afghanistan before we pull out there (I know, I know, a nutter).
It just has me so scared guys. Scared doesn’t cover it. I’m crying now, just typing this out. Fuck.
p.s. sorry for this, I just need to vent somewhere, and Miss Stiles is not of much use at the moment. Also, I know I have an award to get to, I’ll get there soon, k?