Lost

So…

I’ve been keeping a secret. A deep dark secret. A secret that I did not let a single person in on. Not a one. A secret that has torn me up inside and made me feel worse and worse by the day. It was literally making me sick at times. It was a secret that I kept pushing further and further down every time it attempted to claw its way back up into my conscious thought. A secret that I couldn’t let myself think about for fear that I if I did think about it, I would become so overcome with it that I just didn’t trust myself with what I would do.

I lost my engagement ring.

I lost the most expensive thing I own (next to my car. I don’t actually know how much the ring cost, but I know it was a few pretty pennies). But far, far more than that, I lost the symbol of everything that Pte Goof and I have been through.  I lost the thing that Pte Goof spent all his money on to show me how much he loved me no matter what.

Pte Goof and I got together in August of ’07. It was just such an easy, fun thing that I figured would just be until I went back to school a little over a month later.  I had never had a fling before, in fact, I had always been quite against them, but the 8 months I had spent at University had done much to open my eyes to a new way to look at the world. And although I was still pretty uptight compared to the rest of the world, I figured I could hang out with this hot guy with the cute silver Chevy Cavalier (don’t tell him I called it cute) who seemed to actually have an interest in me, fool around a bit, then head back off to University and all the fun guys and booze there.

In a matter of weeks though, I was head over heels in love with this guy, and found myself giving him my v-card, when it was just supposed to be a little fooling around before heading back to school.

Let’s zip along to the spring of ’08. I had decided not to go back to school for various personal reasons (and not because I had fallen in love with a super hot guy back home, don’t listen to anyone who says it was because of him!). But I was working my ass off at a job I loved, and screwing my man every chance I got. I was having so much fun really, even if I was running myself into the ground working 60 hours a week at a very physical job, staying out all hours with my very physical man.

In May he went to coffee with Miss Stiles. He and she wanted to get to know each other better,  since she was one of my bffs and he was being heralded as “possibly ’the one’”. In fact, I already knew he was the one, I just wasn’t telling anyone yet, because I didn’t want to hear a chorus of “it’s too soon” and “you’re too young”. I found out much later that Miss Stile and he had discussed his intentions. They had talked about a future wedding and engagement ring (Pte Goof told her that my bridesmaids would have to wear purple, my favourite colour). My Dear Miss Stiles convinced him that I needed a flat ring, because I was so clumsy that anything that had a big rock  I would catch and injure myself. This is probably the best thing that Miss Stiles has ever done for me, because, I hate to admit it to many women who have a huge ring, but I don’t like big stones. I just don’t like the way they look. But Pte Goof has expensive tastes, and loves to show them off. Had they not talked about this he probably would have bought me the biggest stone he could afford!

He bought me a beautiful ring. One with three diamonds that were flush with the band. At the end of June he was due to leave for boot camp and he really wanted to be more committed to me before he left. This ring used up most of his savings (after he totaled his dear cavalier and paid it off) , and it was a promise ring. A promise to love me forever and a promise for our future life together. It summed up our somewhat new, but totally devoted relationship, and all that he hoped for it. He planned to give it to me on my birthday in early June.

Then.

Then. Before my birthday, before my lovely ring was given to me, I took that test. The one that completely changed everything about our relationship. So when he gave me the ring, in the parking lot of my old elementary school in my crappy Plymouth Sundance, it was still a promise ring, but it meant so much more. And 3 weeks later,  when he proposed, just days before he left for boot camp, and could not possibly afford another ring so fine, I got a trinket, one that means so much to me personally, but that doesn’t get worn like my promise ring.

Because of this my promise ring has become so much more. It is both a promise ring and an engagement ring all at once. It is absolutely beautiful, and I love how right Goof got it when he picked it out. The only problem is that we got it sized shortly after he gave it to me, I was pregnant and evidently retaining water. It has been way too big for most of the time I’ve owned it, and so I don’t often wear it for fear of loosing it. Were it to slip off when I was out sometime I could never forgive myself.

And yet it happened. I wasn’t really sure when, just one day the thought occurred to me that I had no idea when the last time I wore it was or when the last time I wore it was. I checked all the places I usually keep it (A grand total of 3 possible places in our apartment). No luck. I was certain  it had to be somewhere. Guys, I felt like shit. Then suddenly we were moving, and I knew, that I would never see my beloved ring again.

And like a coward I couldn’t bring myself to tell Goof. It represented his hard (VERY HARD) earned cash. It represented everything we were together. And I lost it. I know it was cowardly and dishonest of me to keep it from him, but I just couldn’t bring myself to spill the beans.

Time wore on in our new place and I found myself becoming physically ill when I thought about my long-lost ring. How could I possibly be so careless?

But today. Oh today! I decided to use a purse to run to the store that I had not used in AGES. I’m sure you can see where this is going. I’m notorious for not cleaning purses out when I’m done with them. I was digging around in all the shit I had left in this purse and deep down in the inside zippered pocket I FOUND IT! MY DEAR LONG LOST RING! I feel like a GINORMOUS weight had been lifted off my shoulders! I can’t belive what I thought was still back in Ontario, probably in some pawn shop by some ne’er-do-well who found it, was in my hands where it belonged!

DEAR INTERNET! I HAVE FOUND MY RING!

and I couldn’t be happier!

This is Why I Get Grey Hairs

Perhaps someone out there can settle a little debate I’ve got going on here. You see, Pte Goof will not allow me to get one of those leashes for Squirt. You know, those kid leashes so the little rascals can’t get away from you. I know, I know, some people really hate these things for various reasons. I certainly wouldn’t want to use it all the time. But there are particular situations where I think one would be just lovely. Like at the beach. I could plunk down close to the water, give him enough leash that he can just get to the edge of the water, and then I could actually relax on the beach rather than spend the entire time corralling Squirt. I’d still be right there, pretty much within arm’s reach, hearing and seeing and supervising, but I could actually sit down. I’d still get up and play with him all the fun games we play together at the beach, but I’d be able to take 10 or 15 minutes to sit and enjoy watching him without him taking off on me. This is just one example of when I think a leash would just make my time so much more enjoyable.

Now. Pte Goof on the other hand. Well, no son of his is going to wear some leash like a tied up animal. I know that quite a few people feel this way. No amount of “But I want to be able to enjoy myself” or “You’re away so often [like all last year until Sept], it gets so tiring to always be the one chasing him” or “It’s not like I’d use it all the time, or that I’d ignore him when I do” will sway him.

But, there is one huge but here. But, he has absolutely no problem making. our. son. dance. for. treats. just. like. his. mom’s. stupid. dog. And I mean just the same. He uses things like grapes and holds them over Squirt’s head and tells him to dance for it. Now how on Earth can he possibly say I’m the one who wants to treat our son like an animal? Not only that, but when I pointed out how that was treating him like an animal, which is exactly why I was forbidden to get a leash, he refused to stop doing it.

Common, someone’s got to agree with me that if Goof can do something so degrading to the poor boy I should be able to buy a little sanity with a leash…?

Selfish Me

Right at this very moment Pte Goof is in our living room typing up a request to go on Tour of Duty. Seriously. It just kills me that the one thing that he wants most in the world is the one thing that I don’t want more than anything. And I don’t fucking want to hear one more time that this is what I signed up for (not that any of you lovelies ever say that to me, and for that I thank you). Ok. Fuck. I know that when I decided to date a soldier that I faced these possibilities. I know that. But it wasn’t supposed to be long-term. He was going to go in for his first contract then get out. And we weren’t supposed to be long-term either. It was supposed to be a fling for the last bit of summer before I headed back to school. I wasn’t supposed to fall head over heels in love. And even once I did fall in love it was just supposed to be 5 years of the army, then he’d be home and I’d have babies and it would be wonderful. I wasn’t supposed to become pregnant. But now We’ve already got the baby and he wants to stay in the military as long as possible. Even more than that he just so badly wants to tour. And I just so badly don’t want him to. Why the hell is he out there writing to his higher ups begging for a chance to do the one thing that just may kill me? I can’t stand it. And it’s so selfish of me. And I feel horrible for it. It’s his dream. His dream of a life time. But I just don’t want it to happen. I fell horrible about myself for feeling this way. I don’t want to share him with our country. I want him home and safe with me and Squirt.

Pillow Talk

Let me start this off by saying that Goof is not so good with words. I constantly find myself “translating” for him when we’re talking with other people because he’s not very good at getting across what he means. I’ve even had to clarify for his mom what he meant on numerous occasions, his own mother can’t understand what he’s getting at some times. He also fits the male stereotype of not being very good with emotions.

2 years ago, just before Christmas (like just days before) Goof’s step-dad (who was in all senses of the word, aside from biologically his dad. He called him Dad, his biological father he calls by his first name.). It was very, very hard for him and has affected him profoundly. This time of year is now very hard for him as it makes him think about the man he misses so much.

Last night as we were cuddling in bed before drifting off to sleep Goof says to me. “I would give anything to spend Christmas with my Dad”. I didn’t really say anything but squeezed his hand. Upon further reflection, “Well almost anything, I wouldn’t give Squirt. Or you”

Not poetry folks, but certainly enough to make my heart melt!

Wow

So I just realized yesterday that my blog will be turning one tomorrow! (which, by the way, I’m still not sure what I’m going to do to celebrate that… I’m open for suggestions).  Because I realized this I took a little trip down memory lane and read a few of my very first posts. This is what struck me. Holy crap, Pte Goof and I are doing so much better! I mean, we’re still having a little trouble with things. We’re both hot headed and stubborn, but wow, when I started this blog I was almost at my whits end with things. Really, that’s why I started this blog. I just couldn’t handle all the stress and didn’t feel like I had anybody to confide in.

This all got me thinking. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so bad with the blogging lately. I don’t need it like I used to. I mean, I still have tons of troubles and stresses,  and this blog can still be a wonderful outlet, but I’m not quite so ready to crumble as I was when I started this a year ago. This makes me a little sad. Obviously it’s a good thing if my relationship with Goof isn’t nearly as bad and strained as it was back then, but I don’t want to out grow this little peice of internet I love so much.

I guess I need to think about what I want this blog to be now. It’s no longer about how Pte Goof doesn’t want to marry me. I no longer feel like I can share just anything. So what is this blog now? Why do I still need this in my life?

I’m not sure.

Catching Up

So Hello there.

I’ve been gone SO long, I know. And it wasn’t even announced. I’m sorry. Forgive me?

So what has happened since I blogged last? Well tons and at the same time nothing at all. There hasn’t been too much that I felt blog worthy as of last (part of the reason for all the silence). I’ve visited Pte Goof twice, and he’s come home twice since then (I know, we’ve seen so much of him lately! It’s been awesome!). Squirt’s growing like crazy. We’re at the point that anyone who sees little kids regularly upon finding out how old is he say ‘Wow, he sure is tall!’ (which my mom says she got all the time when I was a his age, and I’m pretty tall now).  Pte Goof and I went to a stag and doe of some mutual friends, and I got completely hammered. Like the drunkest I have ever been in my entire life. I made a fool of myself. Hmm… but that’s about it.

Goof just came home for the long weekend. The weather was gorgeous and we had an absolutely lovely weekend. I just got back from dropping him off where he was meeting his friend for a ride back (yay for that, save us the $60 bus and $20 cab it takes for him to get back to base! both ways!!). Poor squirt. He’s starting to get it. He’s beginning to understand that when we say ‘bye-bye’ to daddy it’ll be a long time before we see him again. He cried and cried as Pte Goof drove away. Broke my heart twice. Once cause he was leaving, once cause it made Squirt so sad.

I’ll try to be back again soon! I don’t know what it is, when I’ve been away a while it’s so hard to start again… but once I’m here it’s like, wow! I’ve missed this!!

Cough Cough

That is the joyful sound of a sick toddler. Squirt is sick. Joy. So far he’s been pretty good. He’s not whiny or anything. He just has a really phlegm-y cough and a runny nose. And he’s  a little extra tired. He actually took two naps yesterday. He hasn’t taken two naps in like a month. I’m hoping that it’ll stick like this. Yes he’s sick, but he’s not overly cranky.

I really hope he doesn’t get all cranky because I can tell I’m coming down with whatever he has too. Usually when I get a cold I get a few days of runny nose and lots and lots of coughing, then get over it. But every now and then, I’m going to say every 2-3 years, when I’m run down I’ll get a cold and it will just blow me over. I’ll be sick for about 2 months. I’ll cough and cough so bad I can’t get any sleep. I’ll lose all apatite. And it’s been about 2 years since I’ve gotten sick like that. I’m hoping the stress of Pte Goof being away, and the lack of sleep I get when he’s gone doesn’t mean I’m run down enough to get sick like that. So right now I’m trying to take really good care of myself so that doesn’t happen.

In other news Pte Goof has started his course and they’ve taken away all electronics. I don’t understand how being able to text your family or talk to them on msn for a bit a night will make you a worse soldier. I really don’t get it.

Home Again, Home again, Jiggity Jig

So I’m sure you guys figured out that I was busy visiting with Pte Goof  the last few days. But we’re back now. I’ve got so much catching up to do on my Google reader!

It was such a great trip. I’m so glad we got the chance before his course started up!

On friday Pte Goof’s Aunt and Uncle baby sat for us and we went out with his sister (who now has a name! Belle ). It was so fun to go out drinking and dancing! I do miss the party life we had before Squirt came along. We didn’t stay out too late, because Pte Goof was a party pooper pretty tired, so we left well before his sister (and let me tell you, drunk Fable was NOT impressed with leaving so early on probably her only chance to go out until like Christmas). But it was such a blast! I forgot to bring clubbing shoes with me (ok, I’ll be totally honest, I may have ‘forgotten’ on purpose, so I had an excuse to buy new ones) and got these amazing red pumps! I have been looking for a pair of red high heels for 3 years! Yes 3 years! and I finally found some I love (and in my size, my feet are big!!).

And Saturday evening Belle babysat for us and Pte Goof and I went out for dinner just the two of us. It was such a lovely date. I haven’t had such a good time just the two of us in forever. We ate at this little Japanese restaurant we found. I’ve had sushi from the grocery store, but never really eaten Japanese. It was amazing! We absolutely loved it! My food had tentacles in it!!

And I crossed off an item on my life list (which I really should post here already, I talked about it months ago). Learning to eat with chopsticks. When I realized that  the restaurant only had chopsticks to eat with I nearly had a panic attack and told Pte Goof we had to leave. You see, I seem to have some sort of social anxiety. And I had kind of envisioned myself figuring out the whole chopstick thing by myself at home. Not in a restaurant where people could see me! Seriously, I almost made him leave with me. But the old Pte Goof stepped up and talked me down from the panic raising up inside and convinced me to stay and try it. And I am so glad and thankful. Not only did I get a fabulous meal, and cross off an item on my life list, I got to see Pte Goof taking care of me and being the sweet guy I know he is.

Oh! and I almost forgot! Another thing with my whole social anxiety, I have no confidence in my cooking skills, and very, very rarely cook for other people. It makes me so nervous. I only spent one year away at school and I had a meal plan then, so I haven’t had that much practice before moving in with Pte Goof. But Now that Squirt’s eating so much more variety and ‘grown-up’ food I’ve experimented with food for the two of us and have actually started to get a little better. So when we got there on thursday night I offered to make us all stir-fry. I was still a little nervous for how it would turn out, but it was delicious. Belle and Pte Goof seemed to enjoy it immensely . Yay for over coming fears!

All in all it was the best time I’ve had in a long time. Now I’m just sad cause I miss him. But Easter’s not too far away!

Tears

So yesterday I was on the phone with Pte Goof. We were trying to plan out one more visit before he starts his occupational training, because he thinks that he’ll be pretty busy once that gets rolling, and his sister graduates in April, so bye-bye free place to stay. The details were a little fussy because we are trying to have the least impact on his sister’s school schedule, since she’d nice enough to give up her bed for us (she’s lovely).

And all of  a sudden I just started to cry really hard (I would say bawl, but I HATE that word, especially in print, but there you go, I’ve gone and said it anyway). I don’t even know why. I wasn’t even really feeling that upset when he called. We didn’t really talk about anything that stressful. I just started to cry. And couldn’t stop. We had a half hour-long distance call of which 20 minutes was probably Pte Goof listening to me sob for no reason. wtf?

I mean, I’m a crier. I’m really a crier. I’ll pretty much cry at the drop of a hat. But, I usually know what it was that set me off.

Later we had a little msn date, and I was perfectly fine then. So who knows what was going on with me.

(and before any of you guys go whispering, no, I’m not preggers again, I assure you lol)

Well Then

Wow. What a trip.

Pte Goof had to go back to his posting on Tues. We decided to go all together, and Squirt and I stayed at Goof’s sister’s place, which was empty, because she’s home for reading week. Our original plan was to come home last night (late, so Squirt would sleep through the 4 hour drive, and there would be less traffic, because it’s almost all city driving, which I hate, hate, hate, but I digress). Instead we drove home this morning, and guys, I nearly came home a single woman.

I’m not going to go into all the nitty-gritty. I just don’t want to open myself up to the criticism that we would likely receive. But here’s a little short version. A Cole’s notes if you wish.

So. Pte Goof had always been an amazing boyfriend and lover. He was attentive and caring and made me feel wonderful about myself. I knew just a few months into the relationship that he was the man I wanted to marry. We had already talked about marriage, and Pte Goof had even bought me a promise ring that he was going to give to me before he left for boot camp the first time.

Before he gave it to me (but after he had bought it) I took that fateful test. I really didn’t want him to leave me to join the military when I was pregnant, but he kept insisting he needed to, and that it was now even for the baby because of the financial stability it would provide. He left and I cried and cried and cried every single day (thank you crazy pregnancy hormones!). After 5 weeks he decided he couldn’t bear being away from me, and came home.

In November we finally found an apartment and moved in together.

Long story slightly less long, He decided to go back, and I convinced him to wait until after the baby arrived. I’ll be honest, I was hoping and praying that the sight of his new baby would make him change his mind. No such luck. shortly after Squirt arrived (less than 2 weeks, just 2 days before Christmas) Pte Goof lost someone very, very dear to him to cancer.

And he just snapped.

I mean. People need time to grieve. I would never deny that. And I gave him time. I gave him oodles of time. But he just couldn’t get over it. The baby that put a stop to our partying. The switch from living with his mom to living with his fiance and being a parent. The somewhat sudden loss of someone so dear. All so close together.

And I guess I was the easiest person to take it out on. Don’t get me wrong guys. It’s not like he was ever horrible to me. He never abused me or anything like that. He wasn’t even bad to me (99% of the time). It’s just that he was no longer good to me.

He slowly got over what I can only assume was depression. He worked his way back to normal. But things between us didn’t really get better. We were caught in this whirlwind of life. We had to grow up so fast. And let me tell you, Pte Goof was not ready to be a parent. Not that I’m anywhere near perfect, but kids just come naturally to me. Pte Goof however… well he has decided he hates kids. I mean he loves Squirt. Loves him to death. But he doesn’t want more now (we used to talk about having kids not kid). And I want more. He decided he couldn’t marry me anymore. He moved back in with his mom for a bit.

Even once he came around and said that he did want to marry me after all, and he still loved me, he would still complain all the time about his loss of independence and youth. And he refused to talk about the wedding. He didn’t seem to appreciate at all the fact that I was entering into this military life that I didn’t want at all just for him. And he didn’t start treating me any better.

When he was home this past week I got really upset with him. His mom called to ask him to do something for her, and he jumped right to it. I flew off the handle. Dumb I know, but I just felt so fed up with the fact that he couldn’t do a single damned thing for me, but for his mom it was no problem (let’s not get into the whole mother-son thing, it could have been anybody, it just happened to be his mom). And he admitted it. To my face. That he didn’t treat me well. He said even his mom had said something to him. About how he treats me. I don’t know why I treat you like this,  as if he couldn’t do anything about it.

Then yesterday. I found something out. What? Well, that’s not important. What’s important is that it hurt me very much (probably more that it needed to, but, well that’s life I guess). He didn’t cheat or anything like that. But he did hurt me. He was on base, and I knew I couldn’t call him. I sent out a slew of angry texts though. I waited for lunch when I knew he’d have time to check them, and, as I figured, would immediately call me. And he did. And I told him I was breaking up with him. It’s not that this one thing was so terrible (it was bad, but not that bad), just that it was the last straw. For well over a year I stood around as he hemmed and hawed about whether or not he really wanted to be with me. I stood by him as he acted like he didn’t care about me at all. I lied to my friends and family so they wouldn’t think poorly about him. I acted like it was ok he refused to even begin the teeny tiniest plans for a wedding. I even said that I would give up my biggest dream, more children. I put up with all his shit.

But I was done. Anyone who follows my twitter would have seen me make 2 very brief tweets.

He immediately started begging me not to leave. Which was different. I had threatened to leave a couple times before, during the summer, when he wasn’t sure if he loved me. And he’d always pretty much say I need to do what I need to do. Or whatever will make me happy. But yesterday was different. I’ve never heard him like this. and I know, I know, dumb guys always say these things, and dumb girls always belive them, but I really believe him. He’s never begged me to stay before. He told me he was willing to do anything to prove to me his love. (I know, I know, that’s what they all say)

All through this argument discussion a snowstorm descended and the weather got worse and worse. So I stayed an extra night. And we curled up together in his sister’s twin bed, and I couldn’t help but feel we’d turned a corner.

So. We’re together. And we’ll stay together, so long as his attitude really does change (and I believe it will). So long as he starts to treat me more like he did in the beginning. More like the boy I fell in love with. If not, well we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, but I really don’t think we’ll have to.