I Hate This!

A wonderful lady and family friend passed away a couple days ago. Her funeral’s tomorrow. Her funeral’s three provinces away. My God this sucks. Anyone wanna pay for plane tickets for me and Squirt?

On Relocating Difficulties

So, I haven’t talked too much about the move. You know, the one half-way across the country?

For various reasons I’ve shied away from the subject.

But it’s been incredibly hard on me. Right now I’m not working and I’m not on base and it’s been insanely hard to meet anyone. I’ve never had to try to make friends before. When you move as a kid (which I never did) or start at a new school (which I only did a couple of times) although it is hard to be the new person, you do get out and see people every single day. And although it can be very difficult to make friends at times (I was not well liked at my elementary school, and still carry deep scars from my time there), you at least interact and eventually, usually, you can find somebody with whom you have a little common ground. I’ve always managed to find at least one person to hang out and giggle with.

But here. Here is so different. Here I don’t know anyone, and my ways to meet them are limited. I only have a car about half the time (less lately). There’s no small town atmosphere that seems to lend itself to more instant camaraderie.  Squirt and I have been attending a toddler/baby group thing at the library, but that can only be done when we have the car, and even though we’ve been a few times, my attempts at conversation with the other moms never really get anywhere. I know I’m socially awkward, but really? No friends for me in a group of about 25 moms every week? Is it because I’m young? Do they judge me for having a baby “too young?” I don’t know.

I know all this is really a bunch of excuses for myself. If I really want some friends I should go out and get them!! But there’s more to it.

I’ve just been so sad since coming here. I’m mad at the army for plucking me from everything I know. I’m upset about the feeling of a lack of control over my life. Truth be told, sometimes I’m a little angry with Goof for being in the army. I’m not proud of it, but it’s the truth. I’m struggling with what feels like a million different things and sometimes it feels like they’re going drown me.

And all of this just makes it so much harder. Harder to get dressed. Harder to shower every day. Harder to get out of the house. Harder to take part in things. Harder to talk to people. Harder to be in groups. Harder to not panic when I say something stupid or awkward (which I always manage to do lol).

So, I have no friends.

Wow, this post was going to be about a walk I took with Squirt this morning, but holy cow, this is just where my fingers took me. I’m glad. I needed to get it out. I needed to complain. Thanks guys for being there to listen to me whine.

Selfish Me

Right at this very moment Pte Goof is in our living room typing up a request to go on Tour of Duty. Seriously. It just kills me that the one thing that he wants most in the world is the one thing that I don’t want more than anything. And I don’t fucking want to hear one more time that this is what I signed up for (not that any of you lovelies ever say that to me, and for that I thank you). Ok. Fuck. I know that when I decided to date a soldier that I faced these possibilities. I know that. But it wasn’t supposed to be long-term. He was going to go in for his first contract then get out. And we weren’t supposed to be long-term either. It was supposed to be a fling for the last bit of summer before I headed back to school. I wasn’t supposed to fall head over heels in love. And even once I did fall in love it was just supposed to be 5 years of the army, then he’d be home and I’d have babies and it would be wonderful. I wasn’t supposed to become pregnant. But now We’ve already got the baby and he wants to stay in the military as long as possible. Even more than that he just so badly wants to tour. And I just so badly don’t want him to. Why the hell is he out there writing to his higher ups begging for a chance to do the one thing that just may kill me? I can’t stand it. And it’s so selfish of me. And I feel horrible for it. It’s his dream. His dream of a life time. But I just don’t want it to happen. I fell horrible about myself for feeling this way. I don’t want to share him with our country. I want him home and safe with me and Squirt.

Highway of Heros

Every time Squirt and I go visit Pte Goof we drive down the entire length of the Highway of Heroes. You know, the highway that the bodies of all of our fallen boys are taken down after landing in Trenton on the way to the coroner’s in Toronto. It kills me every single time. I have to drive the whole length of it. Every sign a reminder that one day it could be him. I shouldn’t think this way. Inevitably I’ll spend at least part of the drive in tears. But I can’t help it. It almost seems like a cruel joke to me that there’s no way to go visit my soldier than to take this route. Thankfully Squirt sleeps most of the way so I can shed a few tears and he doesn’t hear. But my God is it a long drive for me.

It’s so stupid that my mind always does this to me. I wish I could think of other things, but every sign denoting the road has a poppy on it. Because every dead soldier travels it. I think it’s a good thing, that this road has been dedicated to the fallen soldiers. I think that people need reminders that there are men and women dying out in the world serving their country. But damn, is that a long hard drive for me.

“I Need You”

I’ve never read this blog before, but I may start. This post was passed along to me and I think it’s beautiful.

p.s. I hope to be back soon with posts that are more than a few sentences long!

Common!

What not to say to a woman when talking about possible future deployments of her finace (no matter how distant said deployments may or may not be)

‘Tell him to walk everywhere, they all die from road side bombs’.

Thanks for that asshole. Really, If you weren’t family…

Doubt

Lately I’ve been doubting myself again. This little thought kind of sits there all the time, but the last few days it seems to be creeping back to the surface.

I’m really not sure if I can do all this guys. This whole military thing. I waver back and forth between feeling like I’m just going to tough it out, put on my big girl panties, and deal, and thinking there is no way in hell I’ll be able to handle it. But now, we’re definitely in the second column. Just the thought of future deployments that has me in tears now. What kind of mess will I be when it’s actually time for one. When I actually have to sit here every day while he’s over seas and worry about if he’s dead or alive. Jumping when the phone rings or when a strange car pulls up to the house wondering if I’m about to be told the worst news of my life. I don’t know if I can handle that kind of stress.

I’m just not sure I have it in me guys. I don’t know if I have the strength. I’m already a mess about the whole thing and we have hardly dealt with anything.  I mean, sure he’s been away, and that’s super hard. But he’s just training. He’s still in Ontario. We visit each other. Now that he has electronics again we talk on msn all the time. He says good night to Squirt almost every night over video chat.

When he’s over seas, on the other hand,  there will be times when he has no access to internet. Or when he does he won’t have any time to actually talk. Or even shoot me an email. He’ll be in very real, very serious danger. and I’m such a baby. Everything makes me cry. I mean it. Everything. It just seem all so immensely big, and scary. How on Earth can a baby like me deal with this kind of shit?

And the crazy fool. He wants to go over so badly. We picked Alberta as our first posting once he’s done his training for a variety of reasons, but Goof’s biggest reason he wants to go there is because he thinks that he’ll get over seas to see some action quickest that way (I know, I picked a fucking nutter).  One if his biggest fears is that he won’t get to go to Afghanistan before we pull out there (I know, I know, a nutter).

It just has me so scared guys. Scared doesn’t cover it. I’m crying now, just typing this out. Fuck.

p.s. sorry for this, I just need to vent somewhere, and Miss Stiles is not of much use at the moment. Also, I know I have an award to get to, I’ll get there soon, k?

Kinda Surprising

So after yesterday’s post, I’ve been thinking and it brought me to a slightly shocking realization. I mean shocking to me. Ever since Pte Goof and I started dating and he told me he was going to join the military I have been absolutely dreading the moving. There are a few reasons for this (which I’m sure are obvious, but I’m going to talk about them anyways).

I lived in the same house from the time I was a year and a half old until I moved in with Goof just before Squirt was born. I lived for just 8 months away from home at university, but really, I’ve only live in one place. Pte Goof and I live just 10 minutes from my childhood home (It’s just in the next town). So I have never really moved. Certainly not far. I’m scared to move away. I’m such a scaredy-cat when it comes to change. There’s a good chance that Goof will be stationed in Alberta when he’s finished his course. A.l.b.e.r.t.a. The thought of being so far away from everyone I know frightens me.

Also, I don’t want Squirt to not be able to see his grandparents. Both my parents and my MIL live within a 10 minute drive now. We see them roughly weekly. My own grandparents (and even a good chunk of my extended family) all live within an hour and a half drive. It’s a doable distance for an afternoon visit. I don’t want Squirt to miss out on seeing his grand parents. I don’t want to always be a flight away. Grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandchildren (and let me tell you, his grandparents all love to!). I know that they can still have a great relationship from across the country. especially these days when there’s so much technology. But it’s not the same.

And I don’t like being told what to do. Never have (I would pretty much make the worst soldier ever for like a million reasons, but this is a big one). I hate that for the 20+ years I won’t be able to choose where Pte Goof and I will live. I don’t get to choose where I will raise my son. It makes me angry just thinking about it (yeah, I may have some authority issues…). I don’t want to have to go where they tell us. I don’t like that they have to power to up and move us to another continent if they so desire. I mean, yes I have to choice to stay behind, but you know, it’s like yesterday, what kind of choice is that. Move away from everything or not live with Pte Goof…

But the point of this post is not to complain about all the reasons I don’t want to move. This post is about what I realized yesterday. I realized that in some small way (even though all the above things are still true) I’m slightly looking forward to moving. (I’m actually finding this a little hard to admit, you can add ‘stubborn’ to ‘problems with authority’ haha). I’m kind of looking forward to living on base and actually getting to know a few milspouses so I can get a little more support than ‘it’s your choice’. There’s just no way to understand unless you’re living it yourself, and being off base (and not even anywhere near one) it’s kind of hard to meet other people living it. I hear very good things about the military community, and lately I’ve felt like I kind of need that support.

This really surprised me, but I guess it’s good, I don’t dread everything.

It’s Your Choice

Dear Friends,

This is the absolute most annoying phrase to me. This phrase makes me so mad these days. It’s usually preceded by ‘Yeah but’…

Listen friends (a little aside, this post is directed at a few of my friends I know in person, all you lovely bloggy ladies have been nothing but sportive), I know that I chose this. I know that I made the decision to have Pte Goof away all the time, and to have to move God knows where, and to have Squirt hardly see him, and to have to face future deployments, and all the endless list of grievances. I know that I made that choice (even if I was kind of tossed into it).

But the fact that I chose this doesn’t make it much easier (I have to admit had I been forced to do this not of my own free will I’d have a harder time yet). It wasn’t like I said to Pte Goof, ‘You know what would be awesome, if you knocked me up the buggered off to join the army’. And sometimes I need to complain about it. Sometimes I just need you to listen and nod along and say ‘Yeah, it must suck’.

I know it must be annoying and redundant to have me complain once again about how much I miss him. Or how hard it is to parent Squirt all by myself. Or how much I hate the drive to go see him. Or how I’m so not looking forward to moving wherever the army tell me. Or how expensive it is for him to come home. Or, or, or. I’m sure it gets tedious at times. But I listen to you tell me for the millionth time how much you want to loose weight. Or how much you wish you had a girl/boyfriend. Or how you can’t stand living with your parents one more day. I could just say, ‘well that’s your choice’ and dismiss you like you do me. I could say ‘get your ass to a gym’ ‘get out and meet people once in a while’ ‘then move out already’ and tell you it’s your choice to be where you are. But I don’t. I listen and say ‘oh yeah, that sucks’ because that’s sometimes what you need to hear.

I don’t need to be reminded that my own choices got me here. I know that. I know that everything going on in my life is what Pte Goof and I have made decisions about. I know this. You don’t need to tell me.

Kindest Regards,

Fable

Sorry about the negative post. I had intentions of writing about something else entirely until last night once again when I was just looking for a little sympathy all I get from my friends is ‘yeah, but, it’s your choice’. -F

Catching Up

So Hello there.

I’ve been gone SO long, I know. And it wasn’t even announced. I’m sorry. Forgive me?

So what has happened since I blogged last? Well tons and at the same time nothing at all. There hasn’t been too much that I felt blog worthy as of last (part of the reason for all the silence). I’ve visited Pte Goof twice, and he’s come home twice since then (I know, we’ve seen so much of him lately! It’s been awesome!). Squirt’s growing like crazy. We’re at the point that anyone who sees little kids regularly upon finding out how old is he say ‘Wow, he sure is tall!’ (which my mom says she got all the time when I was a his age, and I’m pretty tall now).  Pte Goof and I went to a stag and doe of some mutual friends, and I got completely hammered. Like the drunkest I have ever been in my entire life. I made a fool of myself. Hmm… but that’s about it.

Goof just came home for the long weekend. The weather was gorgeous and we had an absolutely lovely weekend. I just got back from dropping him off where he was meeting his friend for a ride back (yay for that, save us the $60 bus and $20 cab it takes for him to get back to base! both ways!!). Poor squirt. He’s starting to get it. He’s beginning to understand that when we say ‘bye-bye’ to daddy it’ll be a long time before we see him again. He cried and cried as Pte Goof drove away. Broke my heart twice. Once cause he was leaving, once cause it made Squirt so sad.

I’ll try to be back again soon! I don’t know what it is, when I’ve been away a while it’s so hard to start again… but once I’m here it’s like, wow! I’ve missed this!!