I Hate This!

A wonderful lady and family friend passed away a couple days ago. Her funeral’s tomorrow. Her funeral’s three provinces away. My God this sucks. Anyone wanna pay for plane tickets for me and Squirt?

Sick and Tired

I’m sick of being an adult. I’m sick of having responsibilities only to let everyone down. I’m sick of trying to pull everything together. I’m sick of fighting with Pte Goof because I can’t get my act together. I’m sick of worrying that I’m going to cause Squirt harm in some way because I can’t just grow the fuck up. I’m sick of disappointing Pte Goof. I’m sick of disappointing myself. I’m sick of trying to keep track. I’m sick of constantly loosing track.

I’m tired of pretending to be on top of shit. I’m tired of pretending I’m grown up. I’m tired of pretending to be responsible. I’m tired of pretending I’m grown up. I’m tired of pretending I’m mature. I’m tired of pretending that I know what I’m doing. I’m tired of pretending that I’m in control. I’m tired of pretending that I have any fucking clue how to work life. I’m tired of pretending that I can do it. I’m tired of pretending that I’m capable. I’m just tired of pretending.

I’m sorry for this. I shouldn’t post when mad.

One

Meanest blogger ever? perhaps!

Sorry guys! I was busy getting ready to go away when I took that test, and I was just so freaked out about it I needed a little outlet! I TOTALLY never meant to leave it hanging that long! I remembered in the car that I never posted the results, and then it was too late as I had no internet all week…  I’m very sorry!

Anyways, the test was negative, I’m very relieved and a little sad at the same time. But with our impending move to Alberta, it’s probably just as well!

Lines

I just peed on a stick. I don’t know which outcome I want more. We weren’t trying yet… just waiting to see how many lines.

Old Friends, or Something Like That

So I have this friend from high school. We had a few classes together throughout our high school careers. I never ever hung out with him outside of school, or even outside of class really, but we got along. We used to flirt like mad (back when I used to flirt with any single guy who would give me the time of day). But he’s well… awkward. Like extremely awkward. He doesn’t quite get social cues. It’s kind of hard to explain.

Anyway, he moved to Guelph, and I haven’t seen him for 3 years, but we talk occasionally on msn. 2 weeks ago he broke his wrist while rollerblading and decided to come home to his parent’s place for a bit since he can’t work and his dominate hand is busted. He insisted that I come out to see him with Squirt since he was in the area. I was hesitant, because although we got along in high school, well to be honest, he’s pretty annoying (I don’t quite get this relationship to be honest with you, in some ways I just can’t stand the guy, but we used to get along so well, and it’s not like he’s changed he’s always been awkward and annoying…)  but he insisted. I was talking to my other bff (I don’t talk about her much on here, but she’s totally the best person ever, and a huge part of my life, she totally deserves her own name here) about this and we wondered how he does it. A few years ago he happened to be in the same province for the summer that she was living in at the time and he totally talked her into driving an hour to see him. Even though she didn’t want to either. Neither of us could figure out how he talks people into these things. I mean, he’s a nice enough guy, it’s not like he’s an ahole or anything, just… well irritating.

So Squirt and I drove the 25 minutes to go see him. I really didn’t want to, but I figured, hey, he’s been bugging me to come visit him in Guelph for like a year now, maybe I can get a visit over with now, and then soon I’ll be moving out of province and it’ll be done.

15 minutes after getting there he started. The tickley, touchy way that we used to behave. You know, back when we were 16 and both single, and it was just silly fun? But we’re not 16 anymore. And I’m not single. It wasn’t like the whole time, just here and there, but It made me so uncomfortable. I’m a 23-year-old mom to a toddler and engaged. I mean, common. But I’m ashamed to admit I didn’t say anything. I certainly didn’t encourage it. I did my best to make it obvious that I wasn’t enjoying it without actually saying it. But I should have. I should have said something. I am engaged for crying out loud. This is no longer appropriate! But, like the chickenshit I am, I didn’t say anything.

He also got mad when I talked about my plans with Pte Goof to likely move to Alberta. He got all pissed off about Pte Goof putting the military ahead of his family. I tried to explain that part of the reason he wants to do well in the military is for his family. I mean sure, it’s partly selfish too because it’s his dream, but obviously when he does well it gives us advantages too. And we decided Alberta was the best for his career. I understand that he’s an old friend and he feels a certain amount of protectiveness or whatever for me, but really, who the hell is he to get mad because Pte Goof and I decided together to move to Alberta?

So now I feel bad. I feel like I didn’t stick up enough for Goof, and I know I should have said something to this guy about how he was tickling me. So I ask you, how should I have dealt with this? What should I have said without being a total bitch to clue him into the fact that I’m at a very different spot in my life than when we sat at the back of biology and he tickled my knees under the lab counter?

Kinda Surprising

So after yesterday’s post, I’ve been thinking and it brought me to a slightly shocking realization. I mean shocking to me. Ever since Pte Goof and I started dating and he told me he was going to join the military I have been absolutely dreading the moving. There are a few reasons for this (which I’m sure are obvious, but I’m going to talk about them anyways).

I lived in the same house from the time I was a year and a half old until I moved in with Goof just before Squirt was born. I lived for just 8 months away from home at university, but really, I’ve only live in one place. Pte Goof and I live just 10 minutes from my childhood home (It’s just in the next town). So I have never really moved. Certainly not far. I’m scared to move away. I’m such a scaredy-cat when it comes to change. There’s a good chance that Goof will be stationed in Alberta when he’s finished his course. A.l.b.e.r.t.a. The thought of being so far away from everyone I know frightens me.

Also, I don’t want Squirt to not be able to see his grandparents. Both my parents and my MIL live within a 10 minute drive now. We see them roughly weekly. My own grandparents (and even a good chunk of my extended family) all live within an hour and a half drive. It’s a doable distance for an afternoon visit. I don’t want Squirt to miss out on seeing his grand parents. I don’t want to always be a flight away. Grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandchildren (and let me tell you, his grandparents all love to!). I know that they can still have a great relationship from across the country. especially these days when there’s so much technology. But it’s not the same.

And I don’t like being told what to do. Never have (I would pretty much make the worst soldier ever for like a million reasons, but this is a big one). I hate that for the 20+ years I won’t be able to choose where Pte Goof and I will live. I don’t get to choose where I will raise my son. It makes me angry just thinking about it (yeah, I may have some authority issues…). I don’t want to have to go where they tell us. I don’t like that they have to power to up and move us to another continent if they so desire. I mean, yes I have to choice to stay behind, but you know, it’s like yesterday, what kind of choice is that. Move away from everything or not live with Pte Goof…

But the point of this post is not to complain about all the reasons I don’t want to move. This post is about what I realized yesterday. I realized that in some small way (even though all the above things are still true) I’m slightly looking forward to moving. (I’m actually finding this a little hard to admit, you can add ‘stubborn’ to ‘problems with authority’ haha). I’m kind of looking forward to living on base and actually getting to know a few milspouses so I can get a little more support than ‘it’s your choice’. There’s just no way to understand unless you’re living it yourself, and being off base (and not even anywhere near one) it’s kind of hard to meet other people living it. I hear very good things about the military community, and lately I’ve felt like I kind of need that support.

This really surprised me, but I guess it’s good, I don’t dread everything.

Catching Up

So Hello there.

I’ve been gone SO long, I know. And it wasn’t even announced. I’m sorry. Forgive me?

So what has happened since I blogged last? Well tons and at the same time nothing at all. There hasn’t been too much that I felt blog worthy as of last (part of the reason for all the silence). I’ve visited Pte Goof twice, and he’s come home twice since then (I know, we’ve seen so much of him lately! It’s been awesome!). Squirt’s growing like crazy. We’re at the point that anyone who sees little kids regularly upon finding out how old is he say ‘Wow, he sure is tall!’ (which my mom says she got all the time when I was a his age, and I’m pretty tall now).  Pte Goof and I went to a stag and doe of some mutual friends, and I got completely hammered. Like the drunkest I have ever been in my entire life. I made a fool of myself. Hmm… but that’s about it.

Goof just came home for the long weekend. The weather was gorgeous and we had an absolutely lovely weekend. I just got back from dropping him off where he was meeting his friend for a ride back (yay for that, save us the $60 bus and $20 cab it takes for him to get back to base! both ways!!). Poor squirt. He’s starting to get it. He’s beginning to understand that when we say ‘bye-bye’ to daddy it’ll be a long time before we see him again. He cried and cried as Pte Goof drove away. Broke my heart twice. Once cause he was leaving, once cause it made Squirt so sad.

I’ll try to be back again soon! I don’t know what it is, when I’ve been away a while it’s so hard to start again… but once I’m here it’s like, wow! I’ve missed this!!

Guilt

I’m sure we’ve all heard about the working mom who feels guilty for doing so. Not that all working moms do, or even that they should, but often a mom who works outside the home carries around the guilt of missing out things with their children. They miss milestones, smiles, cuddles. I think a mom who can juggle a career and children is an amazing woman! I’m not sure I could do it to be honest.

But I’ve had a different kind of guilt lately. Because I am home. I don’t miss anything. I’ve been by Squirts side pretty much since the moment he was born. I’m lucky that we can (just) afford to do this. Pte Goof and I have decided that as long as it works, I can stay home. But I feel guilty for staying home. If I were to work, we could afford more. If I were to work we could go out more often. If I were to work I could spoil Squirt a little more. If I worked, we’d save up for a wedding and a house quicker.

I guess it’s a classic grass is always greener on the other side type deal. You go to work you feel guilty for how much your kids miss out on you. You stay home you feel guilty for how much your kids miss out in other advantages. And it’s not just about stupid stuff that doesn’t matter. Money can’t buy you happiness, but I sometimes feel like maybe I’m doing Squirt a disservice by staying home instead of it being good for him.

And I know. Money is only money, and stuff is only stuff. There will be plenty of time for these things later on. There’s no replacing this amazing time in Squirt’s life. I know all this. This is why I am home. But I still feel like all these ways that I have to be so careful with our money in some ways isn’t fair to Squirt.

And in some ways Pte Goof too. He grew up in a family where, although they weren’t rich, they pretty much bought what they wanted when they wanted. Going from that (and a mother who, although making him get a job and earn money, taught him no money management or how to save) to being out on our own with a kid a little money has been a hard transition for him. I’m a saver. I really am. If I can save a buck, you bet I will. But I grew up this way. So it hasn’t been so hard for me. Pte Goof on the other hand… let’s just say it’s been an adjustment.

So I feel guilty. I feel like if I was making a little money, I could spoil Squirt more, and Pte Goof could buy more of the things that he wants. Heck, I could buy more shoes

Old Friends

So I have this friend. Well, maybe it would be more accurate to say I had a friend. We were super close in high school. Like crazy close. We went to youth group together. Always sat together if we were in the same class. I got her a job at the first farm I worked at. We loved working together. We shared so much with each other, there are many things she knows about me that even Miss Stiles doesn’t know. And there are many things I know about her. We were inseparable for a while.

We ended up at the same university (we did not plan this, it just happened). It was funny, because we were both living on campus (albeit at opposite ends, a bit of a hike) but we still saw less of each other. We were busy, classes, new friends, adjusting to life away from our parents, partying (on my part), praying (on hers). We still saw each other and got along really well.

This time in my life (as it is for many people) was when I started transitioning away from my religious roots. Throughout high school, I had been very religious, there were people who nicknamed me ‘churchy’.  This friend had been very accepting of my wavering ways. I never felt judged for drinking and partying, or not always going to church. We were still very open with each other. She knew all the ‘bad’ unchristianly things I was doing, and I knew the small deviances she partook in.

Then I decided that I had no idea what I wanted to do and school was a huge waste of money unless I had some direction. So she went back to school (equally direction-less, but her school was being paid for) and I went back to work full time. And as is so common we drifted. Neither of us are very good at keeping in touch, but when she came home to visit we’d sometimes get together and it felt like nothing had changed. She decided to delete her facebook, and msn, as they were too distracting from her studies. So the only way to talk to her was email, and I am horrible with email. This was probably 3 years ago…

Then I got pregnant. I don’t actually remember her reaction when I told her. She already knew I was having premarital sex. It didn’t seem to bother her. We did get together once when I was about 3 months pregnant. She was just a patient and accepting as always.

She then went on an exchange to Europe. She called me once, just after Pte Goof and I moved in together. Squirt was born while she was away. I never heard a thing from her. No call, no eamil, nothing. She knew. Her mom called her to tell her.

She came back to Ontario. Still nothing. Personally, if my very close friend had a baby while I was on another continent you can bet that would be one of the very first stops I’d make when I got home!! I kinda figured she was being her usual self, she’s a little antisocial at times (like deleting any way to get a hold of her).

So why am I telling you all this? Why now am I mentioning this? Well I found out yesterday evidently she’s back on facebook. I had no clue. She has it set so nobody can find her. She’ll only be your facebook friend if she asks you first. That doesn’t surprise me. Or that she didn’t ask me. What suprises me is how much it hurts that she didn’t .

Silence

Sorry guys. I know I’ve been totally MIA lately. I apologize. At first I was sick (so was Squirt). Then I was too busy enjoying not being sick. Then I felt so bad about being away I for some reason couldn’t get back into it. Then Pte Goof came home for a visit. This is a really long way of saying sorry I’ve been away. I’ll be back to posting soon! Promise!

Hope you guys all had a good easter! Mine was wonderful!